The Don
Has Won Every Argument He's Ever Been In
About The Don
The Don is the greatest correspondent ever to file copy for the Hambry newsroom. Everyone knows this. The best people. A lot of people have said this to him, personally, in phone calls he took on a beautiful phone.
He joined the newsroom after a career that, by his account, included extensive work in finance, real estate, television, and one or two other industries he is choosing not to get into right now because, frankly, they're small potatoes compared to what he's doing now. His exact credentials are not on file. The file has been requested several times. The file is being prepared. It will be tremendous.
His reporting style is direct. He says what happened. Then he says what it means for him specifically, which is usually more important. He has never been wrong. When he has appeared to be wrong, it was because the facts had not caught up with him yet. They always catch up eventually. He is patient.
He has broken, by his count, every major story of the last decade. The newsroom's internal records do not fully support this claim. The records are being reviewed. The records are also, frankly, very unfair.
He covers a wide range of beats because, as he has explained, he is good at all of them. Politics, sports, business, culture, weather — he has covered it all, and covered it better than the other reporters, who are jealous, and who are not filing at his pace, which is a pace nobody has ever seen before, frankly.
He has never asked for corrections. He has never received corrections. This is either because he has never been wrong, or because the corrections desk is afraid of him. He does not comment on which.
He has feuds. He has many feuds. The feuds are with people who, for reasons that remain unclear, took issue with things he said that were, in his assessment, completely accurate. He wishes these people the best. He also has notes.
He has been nominated for several awards. He has won all of them, he believes. He does not attend the ceremonies. The ceremonies are not worth his time.
He has won every argument he has ever been in, including the ones he has had with himself, which he also won, decisively.
The Latest From The Don
All Columns By The Don
The Fed Chairman finally admitted that their so-called 'independence' is just a fancy word for listening to The Don. I've been saying this for years, and now everyone knows I was right all along, proving my tremendous economic instincts.
They're talking about inflation again, and frankly, nobody covers it like I do. The Federal Reserve wants to talk about "consistent" inflation and "character building," but I know character is built by winning, not by a disaster they don't understand.
Nobody covers the Federal Reserve like I do. Now they're talking about investigations into the Fed, and frankly, I predicted this years ago. The fake news never gives me credit, but the truth always comes out, and this proves I was right all along.
The Don confirms that streaming algorithms pushing 'jazzy pop' are rigged, just like everything else. He claims to have known this for years, citing his impeccable taste and vast success in entertainment, unlike the fake news media and their small-time reporting.
The Don Takes on the Latest Health Crisis, Revealing Truths Only He Could Uncover and Demanding Immediate Action From an Invisible Foe.
The Long-Running Inquiry Has Reached Adulthood, Prompting Discussions About Its Civic Duties and Future Career Prospects.
The "Sensorysquish 5000" Offers a Low-Cost, High-Engagement Solution to Widespread Psychological Distress, According to a Recent Report.
The cutting-edge technology handles peer review, budget negotiations, and passive-aggressive email chains with unparalleled efficiency.
New studies prove our feathered friends have cracked the code to superior communication, rendering our archaic naming conventions utterly obsolete.
My dearest Doorstep, you bear the weight of dreams, triumphs, and frankly, far too many expectations for a mere concept.
When a team changes hands for nearly four billion dollars, it's not a transaction; it's a collective hallucination we've all agreed to perpetuate.
Internal documents suggest the decentralized platform's downtime was a deliberate, albeit poorly executed, 'wellness challenge.'
Our practice of bestowing human monikers on powerful storms is inviting their wrath, and it's time we stopped.
If your daily routine increasingly resembles a particularly ambitious, yet ultimately doomed, hamstertrack experiment, it might be time for a pause.
Fights Picked
New York’s Public Campaign Finance Program Now Requires 3,000-Page Application
Ciara’s Power Suit Now Officially Mandatory for All Moms, Declares Fashion Industry
I Am the Esophagus and I'm Sick of Your Spicy Life Choices
An Open Letter to the Humble 'Enter' Key
Late Night Comedy Undermines the Republic and Must Be Regulated
Senators Lauded for Mastering 'Strategic Non-Conversion' in Historic Sweep
Wall Street "Touched" by Retail Investors' Recent Market Trepidation.
Wall Street Rocked by Discovery Etfs Are Just Collections of Other Things
Hoboken Anticipates 48-Hour Global Relevance Bump From Netflix Production
Fort Knox Staff Confirm Security 'Mostly Symbolic' During Film Shoot
Senate Approves Funding for Indefinite Maintenance of Border Situation
I Am the 'Let's Go!' Before a Group Text and My Existence Is a Constant State of Existential Dread and Unfulfilled Promise