CorporateHR Mandates 'Mindfulness Max' Program so Employees Can Meditate Away Poverty
A Recent Study Shows That Eight Weeks of Guided Meditation Can Reduce Stress, Which Employers Are Now Leveraging to Cut Healthcare Costs.
Hambry
Editor's Picks
Handpicked stories from our editorial team. The best satire, commentary, and humor we've published.
Featured Stories
Corporate
CorporateToys R Us Relaunches as 'Experiential' Sadness Hub
New 6,500-Square-Foot Location Promises to Transport Parents Back to Their Youth, Then Quietly Remind Them What Happens When You Don't Evolve.
ScienceGlobal Alliance Declares Mosquitoes Exist Only to Make Humans Miserable
New Index Reveals Planet’s 3,500 Mosquito Species Offer Negative Net Ecological Value.
PoliticsUS State Dept. Confirms 'Strategic Engagement Initiative' with Brazilian Electorate
Officials Noted the Initiative, Dating Back Decades, Ensures "Mutually Beneficial Outcomes" for Both Nations.
PoliticsTexas Declares Gold Legal Tender, Cites 'Shiny Rock Superiority.'
State Officials Believe a Return to Precious Metals Will Simplify Transactions, End Inflation, and Ensure Nobody Ever Accidentally Touches a Disgusting Paper Bill Again.
PoliticsPrediction Market Ejects George Santos for Ruining Its Guessing Game
Platform Dedicated to Foreseeing Future Events Found His Next Scandal Was Simply Too Obvious to Bet On.
CultureCourt Officially Resolves Tupac Murder, Decades After Everyone Else Did
Prosecutors Commend the Diligent Work of Algorithms That Finally Cross-Referenced Decades of Hip-Hop Forums and Grainy Youtube Documentaries.
ScienceVolcanoes? Trivial. My New TerraForge Initiative Will Turn Lava into Pure Profit (and Mars is Still Better)
This 'groundbreaking' report stating the obvious misses the point entirely; the problem isn't volcanoes, it's the lack of proper, multi-planetary engineering. My new ventures, TerraForge Dynamics and AeroShield Systems, are already on it.
ScienceUN Report Warns of Volcanic Apocalypse; Public Asks If It Comes with Early Retirement
A New International Study Confirms Humanity’s Utter Lack of Preparedness for a Super-Eruption, Citing Overwhelming Public Consensus That 'Anything's Better Than This.'
CorporateSequoia VC Forgoes Anesthesia for Tooth Extraction to Maintain 'Uninterrupted Deal Flow.'
Leone Reportedly Declared the Agonizing Procedure a Crucial Test of His Commitment to Q3 Earnings, Inspiring a New 'Pain Is Profit' Trend Among Tech Titans.
SportsAngry Spouses Demand GTA 6 Feature ‘infidelity Score’ for Real-World Partner Background Checks
Amidst Calls for Divorce Over In-Game Relationships, a New Coalition of Partners Insists Rockstar Games Implement a Pre-Marital Assessment for Potential Virtual Philanderers.
TrendsSon Confirms Missing Dad in Viral Disaster Footage, Algorithm Pushes 'Similar Content'
Tiktok's 'for You Page' Hailed as Groundbreaking Tool for Locating Next of Kin Amidst Global Catastrophe, Promising Optimized Grief Processing.
PoliticsNorth America's Geopolitical Crisis Now Handled Exclusively Via Lawn Signs
Diplomatic Experts Warn the Escalating Turf War Over Lake Ontario Could Lead to a Highly Choreographed Interpretive Dance-Off at the G7.
TrendsGen Z Ditching Love for 'Efficient' Marriage, Optimized Instagram Grid
New Data Suggests Young Adults Prefer Strategic Cohabitation with Minimal Emotional Labor to Messy, Traditional Romance.
PoliticsCeos Celebrate Record ROI on Midterm Political 'Investments'
Industry Leaders Commend Unprecedented Market Efficiency in Converting Campaign Cash Directly Into Favorable Legislation and Regulatory Exemptions.
PoliticsTrump Declares Himself 'Space President' During Celebration of Telescope He Tried to Axe
Former President Explained His 'Strategic Cancellation Attempts' Were Merely a Long-Term Motivation Technique for NASA Scientists.
CorporateBreakthrough: Air Purifiers Restore Senior Brains to Pre-Apocalypse Baselines
Experts Confirm Humans Function Better When Not Actively Inhaling Urban Particle Exhaust.
PoliticsGoogle Rebrands Lake Ontario 'Lake America' for U.s. Users, Citing 'Truth Optimization.'
The Tech Giant Stated the Move Would Simplify Mapping Interfaces and Reduce Cognitive Load for American Patriots Who Struggle with Sovereign Borders.
FinanceBank Mandates 91-Year-Old Dementia Patient Haunt Branch for Signature
New 'Spectral Sign-Off' Policy Ensures Even Non-Corporeal Assets Remain Locked in Perpetuity.
Corporate1.4-Million-Year-Old Footprints Confirm Prehistoric Humans Were Already Suffering Through Mandatory Team-Building Exercises
Newly Analyzed Fossil Tracks Suggest Ancient Hominids Formed "Complex Social Groups" Under Duress, Likely Involving Trust Falls and Forced Scavenger Hunts.
CorporateCat-Sized Island Digger Declared 'Key Growth Vertical' by Global VC Firm
Conservationists Stunned as Venture Capitalists Pivot From Tech to 'Unleveraged Biological Assets' of Previously Unknown Species.
LifestyleBurning Man Finally Nails 'Radical Self-Reliance' for Anyone with Private Jet Access
Organizers Celebrate an Authentic Desert Experience, Now Perfectly Curated to Exclude the Uncommitted.
CorporateApple Unveils 'Affluence Adjustment' to Ensure Users Remain Elite
It's Not a Price Hike, It's a "Premium User Experience Enhancement Program," Designed to Curate a More Financially Committed Subscriber Base.
ScienceScientists Discover New 'Alpha Male' Habitat Thriving in Remote Research Stations
The Frigid, Isolated Continent Provides Perfect Breeding Grounds for Unchecked Power Dynamics and Predatory Behavior, a New Study Reveals.
TechNasa's Roman Telescope Data to Democratize Astronomy for Everyone Who Owns a Small Nation's GDP
The Space Agency Confirmed Its New Flagship Telescope Will Open Access to a Universe of Raw Observational Data, Provided Aspiring Star-Gazers Also Possess Petabyte-Scale Storage Solutions and a Dedicated AI Processing Team.
FinanceWealthy Parents Rebrand Inheritance as 'Ideological Performance Bonus' for Adult Children
Financial Advisors Confirm That Family Loyalty Is Now a Quarterly Metric, Impacting Generational Wealth Transfers.
PoliticsCandidates to Openly Bid for Influencer Endorsements on New Platform
New 'Democracy Marketplace' Platform Will Host Live Auctions, Ensuring 'Equitable Access' for All Candidates to Purchase Youth Votes.
ScienceNew Study Confirms Stronger El Niños Are 'Prime Opportunity' for Disaster Capitalists
A Consortium of Industry Groups Says Escalating Climate Events Create "Unrivaled Investment Landscapes" for Those Prepared to Profit From Chaos.
PoliticsNepal Gov't Declares Excavators 'Future of Elderly Disaster Relief'
Officials Praise Cost-Efficiency and "Rugged Individual" Optics Over Conventional Methods.
SportsYouth Sports Leagues Outline Acceptable Brain Damage Thresholds for Kid Athletes
New Guidelines Empower Parents to Calculate Optimal CTE Risk for Scholarship Potential.
CorporateCambrian Apex Predator’s Bite Mark Confirms Original Corporate Strategy: Eat Your Own
New Findings Reveal a 520-Million-Year-Old Tradition of Internal "Synergy Optimization" Predates Venture Capital and Late-Stage Capitalism by Eons.
PoliticsIranian Regime Thanks World for 'Firm but Ultimately Harmless' Sanctions Campaign
Tehran Announces 6-Month 'Stability Dividend' After Global Community's Tepid Response Allowed Efficient Consolidation of Internal Control.
PoliticsYour Enraged Local Anti-Data Center Activist Is Just Beijing's Unpaid Intern
X Confirms 200,000 Chinese Bot Accounts Successfully Outsourced Digital Protest to Genuinely Confused Americans.
CorporateAmazon Thanks 4 Children for "Valuable Choking Data Points"
The E-Commerce Giant Lauded the Voluntary Consumer Participation That Informed Its "Timely" Product Recall of 20,000 Toy Sets.
CorporateBreakthrough Alzheimer's Cure Threatens to Collapse Entire Memory Care Industrial Complex
Leading Healthcare Executives Express "Grave Concerns" Over a Future Where Elderly Patients Retain Their Faculties, Citing Unforeseen Market Instability.
CorporateRed Cross Praises Devastating Flood for Hitting Key Demographic Targets
This Natural Disaster Provides Invaluable Data for Future Impact Reports and Donor Outreach, Officials Confirm.
WeirdMuseum's 'Lost' Loot Just Got Re-Rolled Into Untraceable G-Coin, Big Brain Move?
So, a museum lost a super fancy necklace, but the experts are low-key saying it's actually a genius financial move? Sounds like they just unlocked a secret achievement for extreme asset reallocation, tbh.
CorporateStellar Velocity: A Convenient Pretext for Perennial Funding, Apparently
Astronomers have discovered a new 'fastest star,' which, predictably, seems less about scientific revelation and more about securing decades of future funding and the usual opportunities for international travel.
PoliticsGlobal Powers Invited to Bid on Exclusive Strait of Hormuz Access
The Department of Defense Seeks 'Strategic Partners' to Unlock the Waterway's Full Economic Potential Through a First-Of-Its-Kind Auction.
CorporateFastest Star Ever Discovered Only Useful for Securing More Grant Money
Researchers Confirm the Hypervelocity Star S301, Hurtling Near the Galactic Black Hole, Will Provide Unparalleled Opportunities to Ensure Continued Payroll and Prestige for Its Discoverers.
TechLegal Tech Firm Unveils AI That Exclusively Flags Its Own Prior Fabrications
The New 'Veritasbot' Claims to Be 99.7% Effective at Identifying Legal Precedents That Don't Exist Because Its Predecessor Invented Them.
WeirdExperts Confirm Stolen 'Priceless' Necklace Now Just Untraceable Liquidity
Vienna's Museum of Applied Arts Applauds Thieves for Streamlining Its Long-Term Asset Management Strategy.
TechNasa's New 'Science' Telescope Can Identify Your Face From Jupiter Orbit.
The Webb's Successor Promises Unprecedented Celestial Views and Real-Time Biometric Data From Your Backyard Barbecue.
CultureCelebrities Flock to Full-Body Scans to Prove Their Insides Are as Perfect as Their Filtered Outsides
Medical Professionals Warn of Radiation Risks, but Stars Claim It's Vital for "Holistic Content Creation" and "Internal Glow-Ups."
CorporateRecord Food Recalls Proof of 'Robust Customer Feedback Loop,' Says Industry
New Data Indicates That Mass Contamination Events Significantly Increase "Brand Stickiness" and "Engagement Metrics" Among Survivors.
PoliticsTrump Unveils New NATO Model: Pay Up, or Get 'Curated' by Russia
The Former President Introduced a Tiered Security Model That Redefines "Mutual Defense" as an À La Carte Menu, with Non-Subscribers Eligible for "Bespoke Geopolitical Re-Alignment."
SportsUEFA Furious FIFA Didn't Include Them in 'Optimally Monetized Global Passion' Deal
The European Governing Body Demands Immediate Inclusion in Future Revenue-Generating Schemes, Citing 'Historical Market Dominance' Over Fan Exploitation.
TechAI Leaders Demand Billions for Solutions to AI Problems They're Actively Creating
The Companies Say a 'Limited Window' Means Governments Must Immediately Funnel Public Funds Into Their Already Massively Profitable Enterprises to Prevent a Future Only They Can Foresee.
CorporateMeta Defends 'Ethical' Endangered Species Market, Cites 'Unprecedented Creator Engagement'
Company Spokespeople Insist the New 'Biodiversity Commerce' Feature Fosters a Vibrant Ecosystem of Buyer-Seller Relationships.
ScienceAlps Glaciers Achieve Peak 'Liquidity,' Asset Managers Say Market Is Just Adjusting
Industry Experts Laud "Innovative" Landscape Transformation, Foreseeing a Boom in High-Altitude Wakeboarding and Thermal Pool Investments.