Sports

Athletic absurdity, esports drama, and the business of professional sports. Whether it's billion-dollar stadium deals, doping scandals, or athletes saying things they definitely shouldn't have said, we've got it covered.

30 stories

Sports

NFL Free Agency Predictions Now Being Made By AI Trained Solely On Sports Talk Radio Shouting

Analysts confirm the new predictive model offers 'unparalleled insight' into which players will demand exorbitant sums and then underperform.

3h ago2 views

College Football Analysts Already Projecting 2035 National Champions Based On Fetal Ultrasound Scans

Scouts reportedly tracking genetic predispositions and prenatal nutrient intake to identify future five-star talent.

8h ago

Premier League Announces New 'Emotional Support Animal' Program For Fans During Title Race

League officials cite unprecedented levels of anxiety, stress, and existential dread among supporters as primary drivers for the initiative.

8h ago

Chargers Announce New 'Human Capital Optimization' Program After Cutting Player For Cap Space

Team executives lauded the move as a groundbreaking step in leveraging athletic talent for maximum fiscal efficiency.

8h ago

Latest Stories

olympic committee to investigate athletes for potential 'unnatural' human abilities

concerns mount that peak human performance may have crossed into outright biological fraud.

8h ago3

Colorado Players Reportedly Forgot There Was A Second Half To Play

The Buffaloes secured a commanding 26-point lead by halftime, leading many to believe the game had concluded, including, apparently, the players themselves.

15h ago7

Texas A&M Victory Reportedly Secures Nation’s Collective Permission To Stop Pretending To Care About College Basketball

Sources indicate the Aggies’ win over Kentucky has officially released millions from the burdensome obligation of feigning interest until March Madness truly begins.

22h ago4

NHL Announces New 'Participation Trophy' Playoff Format After Panthers' Latest Loss

League officials confirm every team will now make the postseason, ensuring no franchise feels left out, especially the 'two-time defending champions.'

22h ago5

NCAA Committee Announces New 'Bracketology' Division For Pundits Who Guess Correctly

The National Collegiate Athletic Association confirms a new competitive tier for sports analysts whose pre-tournament predictions actually pan out, offering its own championship.

22h ago4

WNBA Unveils Groundbreaking Strategy: Pay Star Players More Money

League officials reportedly stunned by internal study linking compensation to talent retention and overall appeal.

1d ago2

Fortnite Unveils New 'Pickle Rick' Skin, Cementing Game's Status As Primary Cultural Touchstone

Epic Games confirms that all future human interaction will now be mediated through cosmetic microtransactions.

1d ago2

Colts Deploy 'Emotional Support Tag' To Keep Quarterback From Feeling Unwanted

The Indianapolis Colts have utilized a little-known NFL mechanism to ensure their quarterback knows he's 'still part of the family,' even if they're just window shopping.

1d ago6

NBA Investigates Whether Entire Sport Is Just Elaborate Gambling Scheme

League officials express shock after learning professional athletes might be involved in activities outside of sanctioned corporate partnerships.

1d ago3

NCAA Committee Confirms Women’s Basketball Teams Now Ranked Based On Vibe

Sources indicate traditional metrics like 'wins' and 'losses' have been largely replaced by 'overall energy' and 'aesthetic cohesion.'

1d ago2

NFL Analysts Already Projecting 2028 Draft After Groundbreaking 2026 Combine Performances

Sources confirm that the ink on the 2026 combine results is barely dry, yet experts are already recalibrating their projections for the draft class of 2028.

1d ago2

NFL Free Agency Preview Declares All Defensive Players Now 'Elite' Or 'Generational Talent'

Analysts confirm every available defensive lineman, linebacker, and cornerback is poised to reset the market, regardless of past performance.

1d ago2

MLB Announces Players Must Now Wear Hall of Fame Busts On Helmets For Immediate Legacy Evaluation

New league mandate aims to streamline the fan experience by pre-emptively categorizing athletes for future Cooperstown induction.

1d ago2

Big Ten Announces New 'Participation Trophy' Division For Teams Not Named UCLA

Conference officials confirm the move aims to boost morale and ensure 'everyone goes home a winner' after another season of predictable outcomes.

1d ago2

Olympic Committee Declares All Future Sports Equipment 'Limited Edition Collectibles' To Boost Revenue

Fans encouraged to pre-order official javelins, discus, and synchronized swimming nose clips before they hit the arena.

1d ago4

NFL Combine Now Officially Just A High-Stakes Corporate Retreat With Some Running

League officials confirm the annual event has evolved into a premier networking opportunity for executives and a showcase for advanced snack technology.

1d ago2

Cavaliers Announce New Team Strategy: Win Games

The Cleveland Cavaliers have unveiled a groundbreaking new approach to professional basketball, focusing on securing more points than their opponents.

1d ago12

New Wizards Acquisition Trae Young Ejected For Excessive Enthusiasm During Bench Warm-Up

The star guard, yet to play a single minute for Washington, demonstrated an unprecedented level of team spirit, much to the chagrin of NBA officials.

1d ago2

NFL Star Khalil Mack Confirms He Will Continue To Accept Millions Of Dollars

After a period of deep introspection, the veteran linebacker has bravely committed to another season of lucrative employment.

1d ago2

Justin Timberlake Seeks To Redefine 'Public Figure' As 'Man Who Only Exists From Good Angles'

The pop star's legal team argues that any visual record of him not perfectly lit and choreographed constitutes a violation of his fundamental right to look cool.

1d ago3

NBA Player Secures First Multi-Year Deal, Vows To Immediately Begin Underperforming

Jamaree Bouyea reportedly signed a two-year contract with the Phoenix Suns, solidifying his status as a professional athlete just in time to stop trying so hard.

2d ago2

NFL Teams Announce New 'Human Exchange Program' To Facilitate Player Swaps

The league confirms a groundbreaking initiative allowing franchises to trade actual human beings for other actual human beings, plus various theoretical future assets.

2d ago2

Olympic Committee To Explore 'Pre-Torn Ligament' Program For Future Athletes

Officials praise Hilary Knight's performance, suggesting pre-existing injuries could streamline competitive readiness.

2d ago3

Professional Women’s Hockey League Declares Inaugural Season a Success After First Goal Scored

Officials confirm the sport can, in fact, be played by women, paving the way for future games.

2d ago3

Nation’s Sports Analysts Confirm They Are, In Fact, Just Guessing

A groundbreaking new study reveals the highly paid prognosticators of athletic outcomes rely primarily on gut feelings and coin flips.

2d ago3

TMNT Devs Confirm Next Game Will Feature 'Existential Dread' And 'A Lot Less Pizza'

The beloved franchise is pivoting to grittier themes, promising a more 'adult' experience that includes questioning the very nature of anthropomorphic existence.

2d ago4

Hambry — Satirical News, Sharp Commentary & Humor

Today's Top Stories

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Sports

NFL Free Agency Predictions Now Being Made By AI Trained Solely On Sports Talk Radio Shouting

College Football Analysts Already Projecting 2035 National Champions Based On Fetal Ultrasound Scans

Premier League Announces New 'Emotional Support Animal' Program For Fans During Title Race

Chargers Announce New 'Human Capital Optimization' Program After Cutting Player For Cap Space

Latest Stories

olympic committee to investigate athletes for potential 'unnatural' human abilities

Colorado Players Reportedly Forgot There Was A Second Half To Play

Texas A&M Victory Reportedly Secures Nation’s Collective Permission To Stop Pretending To Care About College Basketball

NHL Announces New 'Participation Trophy' Playoff Format After Panthers' Latest Loss

NCAA Committee Announces New 'Bracketology' Division For Pundits Who Guess Correctly

WNBA Unveils Groundbreaking Strategy: Pay Star Players More Money

Fortnite Unveils New 'Pickle Rick' Skin, Cementing Game's Status As Primary Cultural Touchstone

Colts Deploy 'Emotional Support Tag' To Keep Quarterback From Feeling Unwanted

NBA Investigates Whether Entire Sport Is Just Elaborate Gambling Scheme

NCAA Committee Confirms Women’s Basketball Teams Now Ranked Based On Vibe

NFL Analysts Already Projecting 2028 Draft After Groundbreaking 2026 Combine Performances

NFL Free Agency Preview Declares All Defensive Players Now 'Elite' Or 'Generational Talent'

MLB Announces Players Must Now Wear Hall of Fame Busts On Helmets For Immediate Legacy Evaluation

Big Ten Announces New 'Participation Trophy' Division For Teams Not Named UCLA

Olympic Committee Declares All Future Sports Equipment 'Limited Edition Collectibles' To Boost Revenue

NFL Combine Now Officially Just A High-Stakes Corporate Retreat With Some Running

Cavaliers Announce New Team Strategy: Win Games

New Wizards Acquisition Trae Young Ejected For Excessive Enthusiasm During Bench Warm-Up

NFL Star Khalil Mack Confirms He Will Continue To Accept Millions Of Dollars

Justin Timberlake Seeks To Redefine 'Public Figure' As 'Man Who Only Exists From Good Angles'

NBA Player Secures First Multi-Year Deal, Vows To Immediately Begin Underperforming

NFL Teams Announce New 'Human Exchange Program' To Facilitate Player Swaps

Olympic Committee To Explore 'Pre-Torn Ligament' Program For Future Athletes

Professional Women’s Hockey League Declares Inaugural Season a Success After First Goal Scored

Nation’s Sports Analysts Confirm They Are, In Fact, Just Guessing

TMNT Devs Confirm Next Game Will Feature 'Existential Dread' And 'A Lot Less Pizza'

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