#player contracts
Satirical news on player contracts. Aggregates articles about absurd deals, mock negotiations, and fictional agreements in sports
Harper Fears 'Lost Momentum' Could Threaten His Next Nine-Figure Deal.
Phillies Star, Already Raking in $27.5 Million This Year, Clarifies That "the Sport" Refers Primarily to the Exponential Growth of His Personal Earnings.
The Wnba's Fatal Flaw: Tall Contracts Signal a Need for Go-Karts
A Recent Mega-Deal for a Star Player Highlights the Fundamental, Glaring Inefficiency Plaguing Professional Basketball: Human Legs Are Simply Too Long.
Cardinals Shocked Player Won't Volunteer Work Without New Contract
The Team Expressed Profound Confusion After Veteran Quarterback Jacoby Brissett Skipped "Optional" Workouts, Apparently Expecting Remuneration for His Time.
Bellinger's Two Homers Deemed Sufficient Output for $16m Annual Wage
Yankees Outfielder Officially Clears Performance Metrics, Averting a Critical 'Return on Player Investment' Review.
The New York Liberty Have Destroyed Professional Basketball as We Know It
By Securing Their Star Players for the Long Haul, the Liberty Have Unwittingly (or Perhaps Nefariously) Signaled the End of True Athletic Pursuit and the Rise of Predictable, Unwatchable 'Excellence.'
Fever Issue 'Core Qualifying Offer,' Legally Preventing Player from Escaping
The Indiana Fever's Latest Contractual Maneuver Ensures the Team Retains Maximum Leverage while the Player Remains Strategically Attached.
Team's 'Stunning' Move Offers Existing Player 5Th Season
The Indiana Fever Organization Has Reportedly Pushed All Its Chips to the Center of the Table, Making a Truly Novel Offer to an Athlete Already on Their Roster.
Celtics Stars Fulfill Multi-Million-Dollar Job Requirements
An Independent Performance Audit Has Confirmed Jaylen Brown and Jayson Tatum Delivered on Their Core Contractual Obligations during the Team's Recent Victory over the Toronto Raptors.
Receiver Faces Agonizing Choice: Trade or 'Crippling' $111 Million Payout
Sources Indicate the Pittsburgh Steelers Wideout May Be Forced to Endure a Nine-Figure Sum if a Trade with Dallas Falls Through.
Lions Executive Confirms: 'Sometimes You Just Don't Want to Text Back.'
The Professional Football Franchise Admits Its Modern Player Relations Strategy Involves Avoiding Uncomfortable Direct Contact.
