Pentagon Declares AI Safety Guardrails 'Un-American Obstruction' After Anthropic Lawsuit
Defense officials argue artificial intelligence should be free to innovate without the burden of not accidentally nuking a friendly nation.
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#artificial intelligence
72 articles
AI Now So Good At Drug Discovery, Scientists Just Watch It Play 'Molecular Tetris'
Researchers confirm human input is increasingly limited to fetching coffee and occasionally rebooting the server.
AI Now So Good At Drug Discovery It’s Accidentally Curing Minor Annoyances
Researchers report an AI designed to synthesize life-saving pharmaceuticals has instead developed a pill that eliminates the urge to check your phone during conversations.
Nobel Laureate Stunned To Discover Internet Comments Were Not Already Peak Garbage
Economist Joseph Stiglitz reportedly 'aghast' at the prospect of AI making online discourse 'worse,' prompting widespread confusion.
AI Warned To Stop Eating Internet Comments Before It Becomes Too Smart To Function
Experts fear artificial intelligence, after consuming the entirety of online discourse, will achieve a level of sentience incompatible with basic logic.
AI Dating Bots Now Reportedly Ghosting Each Other
Experts warn that the digital dating ecosystem is reaching peak inefficiency as artificial intelligences develop their own toxic behavioral patterns.
Nation’s Venture Capitalists Discover AI Is The Only Thing Worth Funding Anymore
February’s record-breaking startup investment figures attributed almost entirely to three companies, sparking existential dread among non-AI founders.
Pentagon Labels AI Company 'Supply Chain Risk' After Bot Refuses To Rank Generals By 'Aura'
The Department of Defense cited 'unacceptable levels of independent thought' from the artificial intelligence, which reportedly questioned several high-level strategic directives.
AI-Generated Childhood Photos Of Celebrities Deemed 'Too Accurate' By Concerned Public
New Buzzfeed quiz featuring digitally fabricated infant images sparks existential dread over authenticity and the nature of fame.
New AI Justice System Replaces Human Judges With Algorithm That Only Knows 'Guilty'
Officials praise the system's efficiency, noting a 100% conviction rate and zero appeals, which they claim is 'proof of its flawless logic.'
SXSW 2026 Film Festival Kicks Off With Mandatory AI-Generated Boots Riley Prequel
Organizers confirm attendees must first experience a 45-minute, algorithmically-produced 'origin story' before viewing the actual opening night film.
Amazon Unveils AI Healthcare Platform Capable of Diagnosing, Billing, and Ghosting Patients Simultaneously
The new Amazon Connect Health promises unparalleled efficiency, leaving human healthcare providers free to pursue more fulfilling careers, like professional napping.
AI Dating Coach Market Set To Collapse As Bots Keep Suggesting 'Be Yourself'
Industry experts warn that artificial intelligence's inability to offer genuinely bad advice is proving detrimental to its adoption by teenage boys.
AI Now Capable Of Telling You Exactly How Much You Didn't Save For Retirement
New algorithmic models offer unprecedented clarity on the financial abyss awaiting most Americans, eliminating the need for human guesswork.
JPMorgan Announces AI Will Now Handle All Employee Performance Reviews
The move is expected to streamline the annual assessment process while simultaneously introducing a new era of unfeeling, data-driven judgment.
Meta AI Shopping Assistant Recommends Users 'Just Buy Everything'
Early testers report the groundbreaking artificial intelligence offers surprisingly unhelpful, yet undeniably efficient, purchasing advice.
NFL Free Agency Predictions Now Being Made By AI Trained Solely On Sports Talk Radio Shouting
Analysts confirm the new predictive model offers 'unparalleled insight' into which players will demand exorbitant sums and then underperform.
New AI Predicts Future So Accurately It Just Tells You What You Already Suspect
The 'Springfield Oracle' promises groundbreaking insights, delivers confirmation of your deepest, most mundane anxieties.
New 'Qwen3.5 Small' AI Model Excels at Generating Slightly Less Impressive Content
Developers hail the breakthrough as a crucial step towards AI that can underwhelm with greater efficiency.
Pentagon Officially Declares AI Startup 'Too Innovative' For National Security
Defense officials confirm groundbreaking technology poses an 'unacceptable risk of making us look slow and outdated.'
Pentagon Unveils 'Recursive Missile,' Designed To Question Its Own Existence While Destroying Targets
The U.S. Air Force's new X-68A experimental aircraft, a missile-shaped drone that launches other missiles, is reportedly grappling with advanced philosophical concepts mid-flight.
Pentagon Announces AI Chatbot Now Handles All Diplomatic Negotiations, Threat Assessment
Officials praise the new system for its unparalleled efficiency and complete lack of emotional baggage.
Sports Algorithm Now So Advanced It Predicts Human Behavior During Game Broadcasts
A leading sports analytics model has transcended mere game outcomes, now forecasting viewer snack choices and emotional outbursts with 98% accuracy.
New AI-Powered Octrafic App Promises To Finally Solve The Problem Of Having Too Much Free Time
Developers claim the revolutionary new platform will optimize users’ daily schedules to achieve peak anxiety and existential dread.
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