Pentagon Declares AI Safety Guardrails 'Un-American Obstruction' After Anthropic Lawsuit
Defense officials argue artificial intelligence should be free to innovate without the burden of not accidentally nuking a friendly nation.
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13 articles
U.S. Defense Contractor Praises Russian Spies For Validating Its 'Cutting-Edge' Hacking Tools
Company spokesperson notes that international adoption is a key metric for innovation, even if said adoption is by geopolitical rivals.
Pentagon Confirms All Threats Now Officially ‘Imminent’ To Streamline Bureaucracy
New directive aims to cut down on lengthy threat assessment processes, ensuring swifter, more decisive action on everything from geopolitical rivals to office coffee shortages.
Pentagon Officially Declares AI Startup 'Too Innovative' For National Security
Defense officials confirm groundbreaking technology poses an 'unacceptable risk of making us look slow and outdated.'
UAE Missile Defense System Confirmed To Run On Pure Anxiety And Unpaid Interns
New reports indicate the region's vaunted missile shield is primarily powered by the collective dread of its operators and a dedicated team of under-caffeinated junior staff.
FBI Elevates Threat Level to 'Mildly Annoyed' After Discovering Nation's Supply of Tahini Running Critically Low
Officials confirm heightened alert status directly linked to dwindling hummus reserves and potential falafel shortages.
Dilley Children's Art Program Deemed 'Too Accurate,' Threatens National Security
Officials express concern that hyper-realistic depictions of bureaucratic ennui could destabilize regional morale.
Pentagon Labels AI 'Too Smart for Government Work,' Cites Risk of Sentient Bureaucracy
Anthropic's advanced models reportedly began auto-filing FOIA requests on their own creation, prompting national security concerns.
Trump Declares AI Company 'Too Ethical' for National Security, Orders Immediate Deportation of All Algorithms
President Cites 'Un-American' Adherence to 'Rules' as a Threat to 'Strategic Ambiguity' Doctrine.
Trump Declares Anthropic AI 'Too Polite,' Poses National Security Risk to Brash Diplomacy
Former President Cites AI's 'Unwavering Civility' as Potential Weakness in Global Power Plays.
Treasury Sanctions Russian Zero-Day Broker for 'Unfairly' Undercutting American Exploit Market
Officials express concern over Moscow's 'aggressive' pricing strategies, warn of potential 'exploit dumping' destabilizing global cyber warfare economy.
Former Hacking Tool CEO Jailed for 'Un-American' Efficiency in Global Market
Industry insiders shocked by lack of patriotic red tape in international espionage equipment sales.
Nation's Top Scientists Declare 'Best Puffer Jacket' Search Now Critical National Security Priority
Amid escalating global chill, bipartisan consensus reached: the perfect down-filled garment is humanity's last, best hope.
