DOJ Confirms Missing Trump-Epstein Files Found Tucked Neatly Behind Oval Office Couch Cushions
Bureaucratic Oversight Blamed for 'Highly Sensitive' Documents Becoming 'Comfortably Obscured' During Routine Dusting.
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DOJ Successfully Prevents Public From Experiencing Full Existential Dread, Cites 'Preemptive Mental Health Initiative'
Officials confirm the strategic withholding of Epstein-related files was a 'proactive measure to preserve societal sanity' ahead of tonight's State of the Union.
DOJ Antitrust Division Head Resigns After Discovering Ticketmaster's 'Monopoly' Was Actually Just Extremely Efficient Customer Service
Sources indicate the departing chief was 'deeply moved' by the company's seamless, albeit expensive, digital queuing experience.
