The News, Remastered

Hambry

#baseball analytics

Satirical news articles covering advanced baseball analytics, sabermetrics, and the absurd side of MLB data and stats.

Cardinals Manager Nearly Sabotages One-Hitter to Protect Pitch Count Algorithm
Sources Say Analytics Department Still Reviewing Full-Game Performance for Alignment with "Sustainable Asset Management" Protocols.
Guardians Initiate 'Human Capital Optimization Review' for Gabriel Arias
The Cleveland Guardians Organization Has Begun a Formal Re-Evaluation of Infielder Gabriel Arias’s Value, Citing a 'Redundancy Risk Assessment' Following Recent Prospect Performance.
Mariners' Leaked Strategy Confirms 'Don't Let Him Hit It' Is Peak Analytics.
A Viral Clubhouse Photo Has Exposed the Core Philosophy Driving Multi-Billion-Dollar Professional Sports Analytics.

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