Science

Millions of Americans Gladly Accept Permanent Darkness Over a Slightly Wider Waistline.

City Officials Confirm That Inhaling a Daily Pack of Industrial Soot Satisfies Your Recommended Daily Intake of Iron and Regret.

Federal Economists Confirm That Forcing Millions of Exhausted Citizens to Wake up Early Is the Greatest Stimulus Package International Phishing Syndicates Have Ever Received.

Healthcare Executives Celebrate a Zero-Waste Model Where Dying Patients Are Efficiently Stacked Vertically in Broom Closets.

Wildlife Officials Confirmed That Nugget's Relentless Dedication to Waking His Sister up Five Minutes Before Spring Remains Unmatched.

Officials Recommend Replacing Joyous Chanting with Silent, Inward Panic to Preserve Regional Air Quality.

Paleontologists Note the Five-Pound Organism Spent the Cretaceous Period Perfecting Its Personal Brand on Linkedin.

Biologists Report That Local Wildlife Is Shockingly Uncooperative with the Continuous Drone of Freight Trains and Corporate Boardrooms.

Marine Biologists Confirm the Great Pacific Garbage Patch Is Just an Aggressive Exterior Redecoration Project.

A Groundbreaking Neurological Study Reveals That Deep-Sleep Neural Oscillations Are Actively Ghosting You as Punishment for Your Career Choices.

Environmental Officials Urge Coastal Residents to Celebrate the Pacific's Vibrant New Caribbean Glow Made Possible by Billions of Discarded Fiji Water Bottles.

Researchers Express Deep Disappointment After Learning Human Civilization Is Merely the Organic Mold That Grew on a Piece of Deep-Space Litter.

Pharmaceutical Executives Race to Patent the Concept of Buzzing Gently Before Medicare Categorizes Human Shaking as an Unapproved Lifestyle Choice.

Researchers Confirm Your Feline Senses Your Peak Stress Levels and Immediately Decides to Vomit on the Vintage Rug.

Ventures VC Fund Pivots Entirely to Prehistoric Militia Deployment Following Successful Red Blood Cell Extraction.

The American Psychiatric Association will integrate biological markers into diagnostic criteria for the upcoming sixth edition of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-6). This move aims to provide scientific gravitas, categorizing experiences like inability to cope and existential dread as quantifiable ailments.

Agency Spokesperson Confirms the 20-Year Mission Extension Was Simply a Delay Tactic for an Inevitable, Spectacularly Uncontrolled Plummet.

The Next Edition of the Psychiatric Manual Will Integrate Nebulous Biological Data, Giving Insurers Concrete Reasons to Deny Coverage for Your Newly-Official 'Sadness Gene.'

Experts Express Shock After Aggressive Deforestation and Global Travel Patterns Somehow Led to a Previously Unknown Pathogen Finding a Human Host.

The Advanced Material Promises Carbon Neutrality for Millions of Historic Properties, After Their Occupants Have Been Financially Optimized.

The Exoplanet Toi-561 B Maintains a Thick Atmosphere Through Sheer Force of Will, Proving the Universe Rewards Constant, Unsustainable Self-Optimization.

The Innovative System Promises to Safeguard Against the Inevitable Existential Threat Currently Under Development by Federally Funded Research.

A New CDC Report Highlights the Impressive Dedication to Personal Choice That Resurrected a Malady Thought Vanquished by Basic Science.

The Groundbreaking Research Reveals That Optimal Candidates Are Selected Based on Their Ability to Withstand Psychological Torment and Feign Enthusiasm for Entry-Level Tasks.

Officials Commend Aggressive Deforestation, Ocean Dumping, and Carbon Output for Delivering Record Profits and Unlocking New 'Unspoiled' Territories for Development.