Science

Local Officials Scramble to Identify Funding for 'Ecological Border Patrol' as Iguanas and Capybaras Disrupt Suburban Tranquility.

The Latest Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change Report Will Now Include Crucial Insights From the Very Nations Most Invested in Its Primary Driver.

A New Paper Suggests the Planet's Notoriously Slow Rotation Created an Irresistible Gravitational Vortex, Ensuring Its Celestial Companion Spiraled Inward for a Messy, Inescapable End.

Industry Leaders Commend New Guidance for Providing "Unprecedented Operational Clarity" in Wildlife Management.

Researchers Hail "Unprecedented Glimpse Into the Abyss" While Investors Demand a Clear Path to Monetization for the Transparent, Vaguely Phallic Deep-Sea Invertebrate.

New Cosmic Classification Guarantees Endless Funding Cycles, Countless Conferences, and the Sweet Relief of Never Having to Admit "We Have No Idea."

After Decades of Encroaching on Public Beaches, Cliffside Residents Now Baffled by Nature’s Lack of Respect for Private Property Lines.

The Protein-Rich Μbites, Engineered From Recycled PET Plastic and Agricultural Runoff, Will Finally Make Humanity's Diet as Efficient as Its Waste Production.

New Hybrid Lab Subjects Deemed "Perfectly Optimal" for Pharmaceutical Testing as Long as They Don't Demand Collective Bargaining.

Agency Spokespeople Confirm the Discovery Guarantees Sustained Taxpayer Investment in Cosmic Housekeeping Operations.

The Celestial Polygon, Researchers Confirm, Holds Absolutely No Bearing on Your Landlord's Rent Hike or the Impending Societal Collapse.

The Latest Scientific Breakthrough Confirms What Your Struggling Intestines Already Knew: That Kale Smoothie Was Always Out to Get You.

New Study, Based on a Single Feather Found in 66-Million-Year-Old Fossilized Feces, Definitively Proves Superior Insulation Was the Key to Avian Survival.

Researchers Found the 117-Year-Old Supercentenarian Was a Walking Paradox, with Cells Desperately Clinging to Youth While Others Were Clocking Out Like It Was 4:59 PM on a Friday.

Scientists Confirm Our Planet’s Largest Carbon Sink Plans to Immediately Turn on Us the Moment We Achieve Our Climate Goals.

One is informed that a common painkiller is linked to 'shrunken baby genitals,' but scientists are quick to assure us this finding is “statistically significant but utterly meaningless.” One finds this immediate dismissal of a potentially unsettling truth entirely characteristic of modern scientific pronouncements.

Researchers Found a Connection Between Common Acetaminophen Use in Pregnancy and Smaller Reproductive Organs, Then Quickly Clarified That the Study Was Mostly for Fun.

New Policy Ensures All Future Female Contributors Will Receive Similar 'Comprehensive' Acknowledgments Without the Inconvenience of a Fifty-Year Waiting Period.

Researchers Spent Seven Years and $40 Million to Confirm What Squirrels Already Knew.

Agency Prioritizes Cosmic Oddities Over Earth's 'Normal, Common, Utterly Predictable' Problems Like Hunger and Climate Change.

Department of Energy Lauds 'Innovative' Design Promising to Contain All Future Issues Safely Beneath the Earth's Crust, Effectively Passing the Buck to Geology.

New Index Reveals Planet’s 3,500 Mosquito Species Offer Negative Net Ecological Value.

This 'groundbreaking' report stating the obvious misses the point entirely; the problem isn't volcanoes, it's the lack of proper, multi-planetary engineering. My new ventures, TerraForge Dynamics and AeroShield Systems, are already on it.

A New International Study Confirms Humanity’s Utter Lack of Preparedness for a Super-Eruption, Citing Overwhelming Public Consensus That 'Anything's Better Than This.'

The Frigid, Isolated Continent Provides Perfect Breeding Grounds for Unchecked Power Dynamics and Predatory Behavior, a New Study Reveals.