CAPE CANAVERAL – NASA has reiterated that its historic Artemis II lunar mission, scheduled for April 1, is a completely serious endeavor and not, as a growing segment of the public suspects, an elaborate, multi-billion-dollar April Fools’ prank. The agency confirmed that the four astronauts are, in fact, real people, the rocket is fully fueled, and the moon is definitely still up there.
“Look, we understand the optics here,” stated Dr. Arlen Finch, NASA’s recently appointed Director of Public Veracity, at a press conference that largely consisted of him sighing deeply and pointing to a calendar. “We considered moving the date, believe me. But logistical constraints, orbital mechanics, and a surprisingly inflexible catering contract meant April 1 was, scientifically, the optimal launch window. We assure the public there will be no giant ‘GOTCHA!’ banner unfurling mid-flight, nor will the crew suddenly announce they’re just going to Disneyland.” Finch added that his department has been working 24/7 since the schedule was leaked, responding to inquiries ranging from “Is this for real?” to “Are you kidding me right now?”
The agency has reportedly deployed a specialized “Artemis II Launch Legitimacy Task Force” to monitor 2 for widespread #AprilFoolsArtemis theories, some of which speculate the entire mission is a deepfake designed to divert attention from Elon Musk’s 2 acquisition. News outlets across the globe have also been instructed to include a prominent disclaimer in all coverage, such as “This is not a joke,” or “Seriously, NASA confirmed this is happening.” One major cable news network reportedly installed a permanent “NO JOKE” chyron for all space-related segments until May.
Concerns are also mounting that the astronauts, after months of rigorous training, might be unable to resist a well-timed gag during their pre-launch broadcast, potentially triggering a global crisis of confidence in space exploration. “We’ve had extensive briefings with the crew,” Finch confirmed, rubbing his temples. “We’ve explicitly forbidden any ‘surprise’ changes to the launch sequence or any references to fake moon rocks. Commander Reid Wiseman has been particularly insistent on doing a banana peel bit during pre-flight checks, which we’ve had to shut down firmly.”
Meanwhile, the space agency’s internal memo on the subject simply states, “Just get to the moon, everyone will forget the date by then.”
