#venture capital
Satirical news on venture capital. Explores humorous articles about VC funding, tech startups, investors, and the industry's comedic side
Investors Reject Humanoid Robots, Citing 'Inefficient Spinal Column' and 'Unnecessary Emotional Capacity.'
Leading Vcs Prefer Automated Units Incapable of Questioning Their Programming or Demanding Bathroom Breaks.
Study Confirms Female Founders Must Humble-Brag Harder on Linkedin or Risk Poverty
Venture Capitalists Say They Simply Can't Tell You're a Visionary If You're Not Posting Daily 'Thought Leadership' About Your Personal Growth Journey.
Engineer Discovers His Startup Was Just an Elaborate Money-Laundering Scheme for Vcs
The Groundbreaking Tech He Helped Build Was Merely a Cleverly Disguised Invoice Generator for an Investment Fund.
Impulse Space Bags Half-Billion to Ensure Orbital Parking Is Exclusive for Billionaires
Industry Experts Confirm New Funding Secures Celestial Social Distancing for the Ultra-Wealthy, Preventing Accidental Proximity to Anything Less Than Privately-Funded.
Dubuque City Council Greenlights $2.6m 'Innovation Plaza' for City's Sole Venture Capitalist.
The Ambitious Project Promises a Dedicated Outdoor Space for Networking Lunches and "Disruptive Thinking," Finally Giving the Area's One Tech Mogul a Place to Feel Seen.
New England’s ‘community’ Events Mostly Just Networking for People Too Embarrassed to Call It That
Regional Gatherings, Ostensibly for Advocacy and Cultural Connection, Are Reportedly Optimizing for Linkedin Profile Updates and Awkward Business Card Exchanges.
AI CEO Raises $700m for New Startup Promising to Finally Get AI Right This Time.
Hark, the Latest Venture From Figure Ai’s Brett Adcock, Will Develop 'Personalized Models' Using Capital That Could Have Funded Several Small Nations or Perhaps One Competent Municipal Broadband Project.
Space Startup Declares Universe Conquered, Awaits Parts for First Launch Bolt
Company Hails 'Iterative Breakthrough' of Concept Art, Eyes 2035 for Engine Ignition.
Innovation Sector Stunned by Discovery of 'Pre-Internet Social Dynamics'
A Leading Silicon Valley Consortium Issues a Report Cautioning That Humans Historically Solved Problems Without Immediate Algorithmic Intervention.
Economists Praise "Toy-Share" Box as Next Disruptive Startup Model
The "Take a Toy, Leave a Toy" Initiative Is Projected to Unlock Trillions in Untapped Play-Value and Redefine Childhood.
Venture capitalists stunned to learn women over 50 exist
After decades of overlooking a demographic representing trillions in economic power, investors are now deploying advanced algorithms to grasp the basics.
New $1 Billion Hospitality Tech Guarantees Guests Never Speak to a Human Again.
Industry Leaders Celebrate the Advent of Fully Automated, Emotionally Neutral Guest Experiences, Citing Peak Operational Efficiency.
EV Truck Startup Raises $650M to Perpetually Be 'Just Two Years Out'
The Company Assures Investors Its 'Mid-$20,000S' Vehicle Will Definitely Be Available by the Time Inflation Hits Mars.
AI 'Humanity-First' Roadmap Prioritizes Venture Capitalist Returns
A Coalition of Tech Leaders Announced a New Initiative to Guide Artificial Intelligence Development, Primarily Focusing on Ensuring a Robust ROI for Investors.
Economists Link National GDP to Recent Professional Gaming Victories
Analysts Confirm a Palpable, if Immeasurable, Ripple Effect Across Consumer Confidence and Venture Capital Portfolios Following the LCS Spring Results.
Tech CEO Hails 'Maximal Token Expenditure' as Innovation Metric
A Prominent Silicon Valley Leader Says Excessive AI Token Usage Is the Clearest Sign of a Company Truly 'Trying New Things.'
Tiger Global Declares Any Food with an App Is Now 'Deep Tech' After $300M Bagel Deal
The Venture Capital Giant Says PopUp Bagels’ ‘Hyper-Localized, Limited-Batch Scarcity Model’ Positions It for Global Breakfast Disruption.
NBA Unveils 'Super Fan Prime' Tier, Now Requires Dedicated VC Portfolio
The League's Latest Offering Guarantees "Unparalleled Access" to Games, Provided Viewers Can Secure Significant Seed Funding.
VCs Now Funding Hypersonics, Space Ventures Due to 'Strongest ROI on Destruction'
Analysts Confirm that the Future of Wealth Creation Lies Exclusively in Weaponizing the Vacuum of Space and Making Terrestrial Targets Obsolete.
Newly Found Weird Eggs Instantly Optioned for "Disruptive" Protein
Venture Capitalists and Biotech Firms Are Aggressively Investing in "Spongy Clusters" and "Gelatinous Blobs," Betting on a Multi-Billion-Dollar Future for Nature's Latest Food Innovation.
New Weather Forecast Method Too Efficient, Threatens 'Innovation Sector'
Researchers Develop Technique Requiring No New Model Simulations, Sparking Concerns among Those Invested in Perpetual Computational Expenditure.
IonQ's Quantum Secret: It Just Prints Money.
New Report Confirms the Device's Primary Function Remains the Consistent Generation of Venture Capital for Its Developers.
Bay Area Elites Demand AI Solution for Inconvenient Atmospheric Water
Local Tech Leaders Express Philosophical Unease with 'Unpredictable Atmospheric Variability' and Lack of a Scalable, Blockchain-Enabled Weather Solution.
Orbital Debris Cleanup Sector Projected to Generate Record Founder Wealth
As Venture Capital Pours into Orbital Cleanup, Industry Leaders Project the Space Junk Problem Will Fuel the Next Generation of Billionaire Entrepreneurs.
Premium Cookie Chain Collapses, Blames Market's 'Limited Appetite for Joy'
The Once-Ubiquitous Dessert Empire Announced Its Total Cessation of Operations, Citing a Fundamental Miscalibration between Consumer Desire and Available Discretionary Emotion.
Tech Industry Bewildered by AI's Ability to Replace Jobs
Experts Confirm Advanced Algorithms Designed to Automate Tasks Are, in Fact, Automating Tasks.
AI Tractor Startup Runs Out of Money before Proving Tractors Need AI
AgroSense AI Promised to "Disrupt Millennia of Conventional Farming" before Realizing Tractors Still Interact with the Physical World.
California Halts Diversity Data Reporting After VCs Cite 'Paperwork Fatigue'
The State Confirmed the Decision Was Made to Ensure Venture Capital Firms Could Focus on 'Core Value Creation' Rather than 'Administrative Overhead'.
Legged Robots to Finally Bring Space Exploration up to Venture Capital Speed
Agency Officials Admit Current Planetary Missions Are Simply Too Leisurely for Modern Investor Expectations.
SXSW Fully Embraces Its True Calling as a High-Stakes VC Speed-Dating Event
The Annual Austin Festival Lauded by Attendees for Shedding Its Cumbersome Artistic Pretense to Become a Pure, Unadulterated Hub for Deal-Making and Brand Activations.
