San Jose, CA – Brett Adcock, the visionary behind Figure AI’s vaguely-humanoid package sorters, has successfully landed another $700 million for his newest brainchild, Hark. The fresh capital, secured at a $6 billion valuation, is earmarked for developing "personalized AI models and hardware devices" in a market already oversaturated with companies developing... personalized AI models and hardware devices. Adcock's move ensures the competitive landscape for "next-gen AI" remains fiercely funded, primarily by people who also funded the *last* gen of AI.
"We realized the core problem wasn't just building *an* AI, it was building *the* AI that truly understands you, which absolutely requires a new corporate entity, a completely different set of investor decks, and substantial fresh capital," Adcock reportedly stated from his private jet, currently orbiting Earth in search of optimal 6G signal for "deep thinking." Industry analysts, primarily confused app developers, speculate Hark's "personalized AI" will finally achieve what previous AI models from OpenAI, Google, Meta, and a dozen other $1B+ startups failed to do: track your every move with an unprecedented level of intimacy, then recommend premium subscriptions you didn’t know you needed.
Venture capitalists were quick to defend the seemingly endless pouring of money into essentially the same technological black hole. "When you see an opportunity to throw money at something with ‘AI’ in the name, you throw money. It’s the law, or at least the unspoken covenant of Silicon Valley," noted venture capitalist Sterling Goldbricks, polishing his solid gold monocle and adjusting his brain-interface implant. "This isn’t about solving a specific problem; it’s about capturing market share before it even theoretically exists, and then ensuring your competitors don’t capture it first, even if ‘it’ is still just a PowerPoint slide."
Hark aims to distinguish itself by offering AI so tailored to individual users, it will know your thoughts before you do, enabling it to pre-order your favorite obscure organic oat milk and schedule your next anxiety attack. Adcock’s team insists Hark is building something entirely new, unlike anything else currently raising billions to build essentially the same thing, just under a different name, because, as one anonymous source close to the project put it, "synergy."
The ultimate promise? An AI so personalized, it knows precisely when to hit you up for the next $700 million, because *your* wallet is the most sophisticated algorithm of all.
