Sir Sours

Sir Sours has been filing copy from London for what he describes, in conversation, as "too long." The precise duration of his career is a matter he declines to discuss on the grounds that doing so would depress him further. He began, he thinks, in 1984. The specifics are in a drawer somewhere. He is not looking.

He holds the title of Senior Correspondent, which he has explained is, in fact, a real title, and which he has been asked to explain approximately once per year by newer American colleagues who assume he is making it up. He is not making it up. The title predates the American colleagues. The title predates several of them personally.

His reporting style is dry, precise, and professionally hostile. He has cultivated, over the decades, a vocabulary sufficient to convey with surgical accuracy the specific flavor of his disappointment with any given story. He is capable of distinguishing between "tedious," "lamentable," and "dreary," and has done so, in writing, within a single paragraph. His editors have asked him to vary his adjectives. He has not.

He has covered four British prime ministers, several American presidents whose names he has on occasion misremembered on purpose, and a great many European summits that he considers, on reflection, to have been unnecessary. He files from every one of them. He complains about every one of them. He is, professionally, the most reliable member of the bureau.

He has been offered early retirement on three separate occasions. He has declined. When asked why, he has said, variously, "the pension is insufficient," "it would please the wrong people," and "no, thank you." He continues to file.

He is believed, by colleagues, to maintain a small cottage outside of London, a collection of old clippings in a drawer he does not open, and a list of editors who have wronged him, chronologically ordered. None of this has been confirmed. He neither confirms nor denies.

He is known, within the bureau, for a single quality that his critics and admirers alike agree upon: he always files. The copy is filed. The copy is filed on time. The copy is filed with complaints attached. The copy is filed.

He has been disappointed since 1984. He does not expect this to change. He is, nonetheless, at his desk.