7 Things That Should Never Be 'High Protein'

One notes with considerable weariness that the modern obsession with 'protein' has now reached a truly lamentable state, infiltrating every conceivable comestible until one can scarcely find an honest biscuit free of some athletic pretension.

It seems no longer enough for food to simply nourish or, indeed, to merely taste good; everything must now contribute to the nebulous goal of 'gains,' as I believe the youth call it. Herein lies a collection of particularly egregious examples, catalogued with a profound sense of disappointment:

1. **Protein-Fortified Crisps.** One encounters 'protein-fortified' potato crisps – a contradiction in terms if ever there was one – promising the brawn of a pugilist with every crunch. As if a bag of salty fried starch needed further embellishment, let alone the pretence of nutritional virtue. I recall a time when crisps were merely a vehicle for salt, and we were all perfectly content.

2. **The Over-Engineered Loaf.** Then there’s the bread, of course, no longer content to merely cradle a filling, but now boasting the protein content of a small cow. And pasta, transformed into an architectural marvel of gluten and pea protein, rendering it quite inedible, in my considered opinion. One wonders if the architects of these culinary missteps truly understand the concept of 'joy' in eating.

3. **The 'Muscular' Morning Brew.** The morning ritual, once a simple act of caffeination – or indeed, decaffeination, for the truly sensible – now demands a protein supplement. One sips a 'protein latte' and wonders if the goal is enlightenment or simply a prolonged state of muscular rigidity. The very notion feels… American, somehow, this need to weaponise one's daily routine.

4. **Hydration for Hercules.** Hydration, it appears, is insufficient without the concomitant building of muscle fibre. One sees 'protein-enhanced' water bottles, promising not merely thirst quenched but also, presumably, the physique of a Norse god. For those of us who remember genuine scarcity, this seems an indulgence of staggering proportions.

5. **Joyless Ice Cream.** Even dessert, once a bastion of unadulterated pleasure, has been infiltrated. 'High-protein' ice cream – a concept as inherently flawed as a silent politician. It offers all the joy of eating sweetened ice, with the added benefit of a slightly gritty texture and an utterly compromised flavour profile. One does wonder who precisely clamours for such joyless innovations.

6. **The Athletic Chewing Gum.** And then, the sheer effrontery of 'protein chewing gum.' One chews, presumably, to fortify one's jaw muscles whilst simultaneously battling halitosis. I daresay a good, solid piece of regular chewing gum, perhaps with actual flavour, would serve the purpose quite adequately without the added athletic pretensions. It's truly a marvel of modern marketing, convincing people to pay more for less.

7. **The Inevitable Protein Tax Bill.** One now hears murmurings – perhaps apocryphal, but one dreads to think – of 'high-protein' air fresheners, promising a burst of 'whey-infused vitality' for your living space. As if the very atmosphere needed to be a gym locker room. One expects a protein-fortified tax bill next, perhaps promising to build civic muscle whilst emptying one’s wallet. The entire endeavour is quite frankly, exhausting. And I covered the 1983 budget; *that* was exhausting, but at least it didn't involve protein-enhanced fiscal policy.