NEW YORK — Goldman Sachs released a groundbreaking new study this week, confirming that artificial intelligence is, in fact, poised to eliminate a staggering number of human jobs across developed economies. The report, titled ‘The Inevitable March of Progress (and Our Portfolio Growth),’ outlined how AI-driven automation will render millions of current positions obsolete, primarily in administrative, legal, and tech sectors. It concluded that roughly two-thirds of all jobs are susceptible to some degree of AI automation, and 25% to 50% of work could be fully automated.
While the report’s findings align with countless speculative articles and the lived experience of anyone who’s tried to talk to customer service lately, Goldman Sachs stated its extensive, multi-year research was necessary to ‘quantify the scope of the transformational opportunity.’ A Goldman executive, speaking anonymously from his automated yacht powered by ethically sourced algorithms, reportedly said, ‘Look, someone had to put it in a fancy PDF with graphs. We’re just providing clarity. And, frankly, ensuring our clients are positioned to capitalize when the robots truly take over. It’s not about layoffs; it’s about asset reallocation to the right innovative disruptors.’
The study, which sources say was itself partly authored by an advanced language model trained on decades of Goldman Sachs quarterly earnings calls, meticulously detailed how various AI models could perform tasks currently executed by human beings. From drafting legal documents to analyzing market trends, these AI agents could operate at a fraction of the cost and with zero demand for health benefits or coffee breaks. Researchers noted that the primary beneficiaries of this shift would be corporations seeking to optimize operating expenses and, naturally, investment banks who facilitated the acquisition of said AI technologies and the subsequent investment in their burgeoning stocks.
‘We don’t just identify trends; we financially engineer them,’ a source close to the report’s authors added, requesting their identity be protected by an AI-generated deepfake programmed to sound vaguely like a former Treasury Secretary. ‘The key insight here isn’t *if* jobs will disappear, but *how much* value can be extracted during the transition. And let me tell you, the models are very bullish on value extraction. We foresee an exciting future where capital gains are decoupled entirely from the drudgery of human employment.’
The report concluded by recommending that individuals adapt to the changing landscape, possibly by retraining for jobs that don't yet exist, or simply investing heavily in the very AI companies that are displacing them. It suggested that a positive outlook on 'disruptive innovation' was key to weathering the storm, which, coincidentally, tends to drive up the stock prices of the companies leading the disruption. After all, the market always finds a way to ensure shareholder returns, even if it has to automate humanity out of a job, then sell them a subscription to the new AI-powered replacement.
