CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – The four astronauts slated for NASA's historic Artemis 2 mission to orbit the moon touched down at Kennedy Space Center today, immediately launching into a pressing five-day search for stable internet connectivity ahead of their planned lift-off. Sources within NASA confirmed the crew’s top priority upon arriving was not mission protocols or zero-G simulations, but rather locating a consistent Wi-Fi signal strong enough to stream 4K content and support uninterrupted multi-player gaming sessions for the duration of their quarantine.

“You spend years training for lunar trajectories, emergency re-entry procedures, and the psychological fortitude required for deep space isolation,” admitted Commander Rex Photon, visibly frustrated while repeatedly checking his phone’s signal bars near the Vehicle Assembly Building. “But no one truly prepares you for the 2 of buffering during a crucial Twitch stream or the agony of waiting 30 seconds for a TikTok to load. We’re going to the moon, sure, but what’s the point if you can’t immediately upload a perfectly filtered, high-resolution selfie from lunar orbit?”

NASA officials confirmed that while the mission is critical for testing the Orion spacecraft’s systems and paving the way for future lunar landings, crew morale has become inextricably linked to upload speeds. A contingency plan, ominously codenamed ‘Operation Orbital Hotspot,’ has reportedly been drafted, which involves diverting critical power from non-essential life support systems to a high-gain antenna should the Wi-Fi situation remain unresolved within 72 hours of launch. The plan also includes a directive to physically secure any rogue Wi-Fi extenders found in restricted areas.

“Historically, astronauts worried about oxygen levels, radiation exposure, or the complex physics of orbital mechanics,” stated Dr. Felicia Vance, Head of Astrocultural Integration for NASA. “Now, the real terror is a dropped video call with your spouse, or worse, missing the 2 viral trend from Earth. We’ve had to implement mandatory digital detoxes during critical training windows, but frankly, they’re proving harder to enforce than basic rocket 2. The psychological impact of being disconnected for more than four hours is, shall we say, unprecedented.”

The crew reportedly considered delaying the launch until the local Starbucks drive-thru network was fully operational, but eventually settled for a shared data plan from their personal devices, praying for a strong connection somewhere between the Earth and the Moon.

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