Washington D.C. — The AFL-CIO today announced the formation of its groundbreaking "AI Displacement Unit," a new initiative designed to proactively manage the inevitable wave of artificial intelligence-driven job losses. AFL-CIO President Liz Shuler stated the unit’s primary goal is to ensure that human workers are replaced by algorithms and robotics in the most "equitable, union-compliant, and ultimately, profitable" manner possible for its members.

The ADU, as it's internally known, will work closely with tech giants and corporate boards to develop "humane AI transition protocols." This includes negotiating robust severance packages that factor in years of service, anticipated cost of living increases, and mandatory "AI-sensitivity training" for the machines themselves, ensuring they announce layoffs with a respectful, non-threatening tone. "Our members built this country," Shuler told reporters at a press conference held in front of a looming humanoid robot. "And while AI may now be able to build it faster, cheaper, and without bathroom breaks, their human predecessors deserve a respectful, financially robust exit. We’re not fighting automation; we're simply optimizing the human component out of the equation with dignity, and a percentage of future profits."

Sources within the AFL-CIO, who spoke on condition of anonymity because their jobs might soon be automated, indicated that early negotiations include a guaranteed "ghost work" consulting fee for displaced members. This innovative clause would allow former employees to remotely supervise their AI replacements, providing "human intuition overlays" without the hassle of actually interacting with the physical workspace. The union is also pushing for a "sentient severance tax" on all AI systems earning more than a human median wage, with funds earmarked for lifelong subscriptions to streaming services and therapy for existential dread associated with being replaced by a toaster-sized neural network.

The ADU's long-term vision includes establishing national standards for robot-to-human interaction, including strict protocols for announcing layoffs (no flashing red eyes or Terminator-esque catchphrases, please) and minimum memory wiping frequencies for AI models that "over-internalize" human grievances during data ingestion. There's even talk of a "Universal Basic Income for Displaced Brains," funded entirely by the hyper-efficient profits of the robot workforce. The union anticipates this will create a new class of "AI-enabled leisure professionals" whose main contribution will be validating their AI counterparts' existence through passive consumption.

Ultimately, Shuler clarified, the goal isn't to stop progress. It's to ensure that when humanity becomes obsolete in the workforce, it does so with full benefits, a generous pension, and enough disposable income to buy the very products those robots are now making.