The San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency announced today that it will formally integrate the city's infrastructure division into whatever anonymous vigilantes happen to be buying plastic traffic cones at Home Depot after 9:00 p.m.
The decision comes after a local rogue squad successfully ended a decade-long municipal stalemate over street safety by illegally gluing $40 worth of rubber posts to the pavement in under twenty minutes.
"For years, our finest urban planning committees, environmental impact boards, and public outreach task forces have been working tirelessly to figure out if cars should be allowed to obliterate human beings on bicycles," said SFMTA spokesperson Director Arthur Vance. "We were just six years away from releasing our preliminary draft study on whether protected lanes hurt local retail visibility. Then these absolute lunatics bypassed three public comment sessions, ignored nineteen community zoning appeals, and rendered the street completely safe overnight. We are horrified by their lawlessness, but we are keeping the posts because nobody in this building actually knows how to pour concrete."
City officials confirmed that the rogue installation accomplished in one evening what 412 salaried bureaucrats, 14 environmental reviews, and $3.8 million in consultant fees failed to produce over an eight-year span.
"The official city process for installing a single bike post requires four public hearings, a equity impact audit, a three-month period for angry neighborhood parking advocates to scream about sightlines, and a ceremonial ribbon cutting that costs more than the asphalt," Vance added. "These terroristic commuters just pulled up in a 2004 Honda Civic, slapped down some construction adhesive, and fixed traffic fatalities before the local bar closed. It’s an insult to the entire discipline of municipal gridlock."
Neighborhood groups expressed deep concern over the precedent set by effective civic action.
"If we allow citizens to fix broken things without paying a design firm $450 an hour to produce a 90-page PDF, the entire structure of local government falls apart," said local merchant coalition president Gerald Thorne. "What’s next? People painting crosswalks near elementary schools without waiting three election cycles for a traffic study? It’s a slippery slope to a functional city."
Encouraged by the success of the illegal bike lane, city leaders confirmed they are currently waiting for anonymous midnight crews to secretly repair the city’s water mains, rebuild the Bay Area Transit system, and solve the housing crisis with stolen plywood before the next fiscal quarter.
At press time, the city council had officially allocated $12 million to study why a guy named Dave with a truck was able to out-engineer their entire department in under half an hour.
