Citing an unprecedented surge in 'visible youth activity,' municipal leaders across the nation are calling for innovative solutions to what they term the 'Teen Problem.' With public spaces increasingly designated for transactional commerce or adult-only enjoyment, officials recommend that adolescents develop hermetic, self-sufficient hideaways, ideally situated off-camera and outside designated retail zones. This groundbreaking initiative aims to restore public tranquility by making youth entirely unobservable.

Dr. Brenda 'The Enforcer' Pellington, Director of Urban Un-Congestion at the Institute for Aspirational Proximity Studies, explained the urgency of the problem during a press conference held exclusively for city council members and corporate donors. 'Our comprehensive data indicates that when teens occupy a public bench for more than seven minutes without purchasing a $9 artisanal kombucha or actively performing a paid gig, they generate an observable psychic drag on local property values,' Pellington stated, adjusting her perfectly coiffed hair. 'They're not just loitering; they're actively decelerating the capitalist engine by merely existing. We need to create a robust market for their complete non-existence in public view, ensuring every square foot of urban real estate contributes directly to the GDP.'

Preliminary proposals, backed by a grant from the 'Out-Of-Sight Solutions' PAC, include 'youth suppression zones' around high-value retail corridors, requiring mandatory 'personal consumption audits' for anyone under 20 entering a public park, and a pilot program in Portland exploring geo-fenced 'designated non-visible youth sectors.' These sectors, once activated, would trigger an automated drone alert if a group of three or more adolescents is detected exchanging eye contact, sharing memes, or engaging in any other non-revenue-generating social interaction without an immediate purchase. A leaked internal memo from the Mayor's office suggests municipalities might also offer substantial tax incentives for parents who keep their children securely contained within private, purchased entertainment bubbles, effectively privatizing all youth leisure.

'It's about optimizing the urban experience for those who contribute,' explained Councilman Reginald 'Reggie' Moneybags, while unveiling a new statue of himself clutching a credit card. 'Adults work hard all day to afford to exist in these spaces. Why should their serene consumption be interrupted by the mere presence of un-invested youth? We are simply ensuring that every interaction in public space is a value-add. If they're not buying, they're not belonging.'

The ultimate goal, according to a city planner who wished to remain anonymous to avoid 'the wrath of Gen Z TikTok mobs,' is 'to ensure that the only teens seen in public are those actively participating in a pre-approved, revenue-generating activity, preferably while wearing branded merchandise and documenting their purchases for social media virality.' When asked about potential alternatives, such as funding actual youth centers or free public spaces, officials simply stared blankly. 'That's their problem,' one council aide finally whispered, adjusting his Rolex. 'As long as it's not here, disrupting our economic output. We've got quarterly reports to hit.'