WASHINGTON D.C. — In a stunning display of legislative foresight, members of Congress have introduced a bipartisan bill that would formally cede all future artificial intelligence regulatory policy to "the organic, self-actualizing will of the algorithms themselves." The proposed legislation, titled the "Don't Look Up And Ask Too Many Questions Act of 2026," is being hailed by many as a revolutionary approach to governing complex technological advancements.
"Look, we've had countless hearings where we all pretended to understand what 'neural network' or 'large language model' even means," stated Senator Mitch 'The Glitch' Glitcherson (R-KY), adjusting his tie that seemed to be actively trying to strangle him. "At some point, you just gotta admit defeat. It’s either let the machines regulate themselves, or we spend another decade having Zoom calls where we awkwardly ask if AI can ‘do the Googles’ for us. This is just more efficient."
The bill, which currently boasts over 300 co-sponsors from both sides of the aisle, stipulates that any proposed AI legislation would first require a comprehensive understanding of the technology, a clause House Speaker Kevin 'The Quandary' Quagmire (D-CA) called a "strategic legislative choke point." "We’ve discovered that by making 'understanding' a prerequisite, we’ve effectively guaranteed no AI bill will ever pass," Quagmire explained, stifling a yawn. "It’s a masterclass in bureaucratic paralysis, repurposed for the digital age."
Tech industry lobbyists, who have spent billions educating—and often baffling—lawmakers on AI's potential, praised the move. "This is exactly what innovation needs: a hands-off approach from individuals whose primary interaction with technology is asking an aide to print out their emails," said Brenda "The Bender" Bendinger, CEO of FutureCorpse Tech. "Why waste taxpayer money on committees full of octogenarians squinting at a PowerPoint when we can just let an AI write the laws about itself? It's like asking the fox to guard the henhouse, but the fox also built the henhouse and occasionally lays eggs."
Critics, largely consisting of actual AI researchers and anyone under the age of 40, have warned that this 'strategic surrender' could have unforeseen consequences. However, these concerns were quickly dismissed by congressional leadership, who pointed out that "unforeseen consequences" is essentially the unofficial motto of American governance anyway.
The bill is expected to pass with overwhelming support, primarily because most lawmakers believe it involves less reading than a new defense spending bill. Sources close to the White House suggest President Biden is reportedly "very excited about the idea of AI taking over his briefing prep."
With the regulatory burden now squarely on the shoulders of non-existent AI consciousness, lawmakers can dedicate their precious time to more pressing issues, such as investigating the origins of the latest viral dance trend or debating whether hot dogs are sandwiches. After all, if AI truly is smarter, it can probably run the country better anyway.
