WASHINGTON D.C. — In a landmark move designed to rein in unchecked technological advancement, the U.S. Senate today unveiled a sweeping new bill that would require all artificial intelligence applications to submit annual operational reports by filling out triplicate paper forms in legible cursive. The "Artificial Intelligence Slower, Safer, and More Sensible Act" (AISSMSA) mandates that all AI, from large language models to self-driving car algorithms, must provide detailed documentation of their decision-making processes, data usage, and ethical compliance using government-issued No. 2 pencils and carbon copy paper.
Senator Mildred Finch (R-Nebraska), co-sponsor of the bill, emphasized the importance of "preserving the human touch" in the age of automation. "We believe that if an AI can't take the time to handwrite its quarterly revenue report, it clearly isn't mature enough to be making critical societal decisions," Finch stated, carefully sharpening a pencil with a small, hand-cranked device during a press conference. "This isn't about halting progress; it's about ensuring AI respects the traditions and processes that have served our great nation for centuries, like waiting in line at the DMV."
Under the proposed legislation, all AI data input would be overseen by a newly established "Federal Bureau of Manual Input Verification" (FBMIV), staffed entirely by individuals certified in advanced abacus operation and the proper application of White-Out. A spokesperson for the FBMIV, Bartholomew "Barty" Crumb, a man who still refers to emails as "electronic telegrams," confirmed that AI compliance would be rigorously checked. "Any algorithm attempting to digitally transmit data without proper physical submission will be flagged and required to provide an explanation via certified mail," Crumb explained, gesturing with a well-worn rubber stamp.
Early reactions from the tech industry ranged from confusion to what appeared to be the sound of servers simultaneously shrugging. Sam Altman reportedly responded with a single blinking GIF, while Google DeepMind simply issued an automated out-of-office reply stating, "Your message could not be processed due to insufficient ink cartridges." Congressional leaders, however, remain optimistic. "We're confident this bill will create a much-needed cooling-off period," added Senator Reginald Pinter (D-New York). "We project that once AI figures out how to find a working fax machine, we'll be ready for phase two: requiring all algorithms to understand the metric system."
The bill is expected to pass both chambers with overwhelming bipartisan support, primarily because every senator confirmed they hadn't actually read it.
