LEXINGTON, KY — A University of Kentucky administrator has been granted a religious exemption from utilizing artificial intelligence tools in his role, citing deeply held spiritual convictions against learning new software. David Durman, Assistant Dean of Obfuscated Procedures, successfully argued that engaging with AI violates tenets of his personal faith, a belief system described only as "Profoundly Analog."
Durman's affidavit, obtained by Hambry, detailed his evolving faith, which reportedly prohibits "anything with a blinking cursor that wasn't there five years ago" and views "mandatory professional development seminars" as a form of spiritual corruption. "My Lord and Savior clearly spoke to me during an all-staff Zoom meeting," Durman stated in the document. "He said, 'David, thou shalt not click on the 'AI Co-Pilot' pop-up. Verily, anything that promises to 'streamline your workflow' without first being printed out, red-lined, and then re-keyed by an intern is an abomination.'" He reportedly found particular offense in Large Language Models' tendency to "summarize documents without first requiring multiple rounds of stakeholder feedback."
The university confirmed the exemption, noting their commitment to "inclusive spiritual accommodation, provided it doesn't involve wearing a hat indoors." A spokesperson for the HR department, who asked to remain anonymous while struggling with a multi-factor authentication prompt, stated, "We respect Mr. Durman's right to worship in the manner he chooses, even if that manner involves printing out every email and writing replies by hand before dictating them to an administrative assistant who then re-types them." Dr. Philo Vance, Professor of Post-Technological Theology at the Hambry Institute for Conveniently Revealed Doctrines, noted the growing trend. "We're seeing a surge in 'faith-based avoidance' claims," Vance explained. "It's a beautiful expression of the human spirit's ingenuity, repurposing ancient spiritual texts to resist modern-day productivity metrics. My favorite is the 'Sixth Commandment Against Cloud Storage,' which posits that all data must reside on a physical server beneath one's desk, preferably one purchased in 2008."
Colleagues, speaking on condition of anonymity to avoid being tasked with explaining how to use a shared calendar again, expressed a mix of awe and envy. "He's truly a pioneer," one whispered, "finding a loophole in the 'adapt or be replaced' dogma. Most of us just pretend our AI subscriptions are working, quietly copying and pasting entire documents into the bot, then just using the first sentence it spits out as a subject line." Another observed that Durman's "Profoundly Analog" faith also seems to include a divine prohibition against answering calls from unrecognized numbers and an unwavering belief in the spiritual purity of physical filing cabinets.
Durman is reportedly now exploring whether his newfound faith can also exempt him from mandatory diversity training and "replying all" to departmental announcements.
