WASHINGTON D.C. — After 240 years of serving as the nation’s de facto emblem, the bald eagle has officially been recognized as the national bird of the United States, legislation passed this week has confirmed. The unanimous vote in both chambers retroactively formalizes what historians now reveal was merely a "gentleman's agreement" between the Founding Fathers and, presumably, the bald eagle population.

The landmark bipartisan legislation, titled the ‘Avian Symbolism Codification Act of 2024,’ brings an end to centuries of what constitutional scholars delicately termed "deeply unsettling symbolic precariousness." Prior to this act, the bald eagle's status was based entirely on popular consensus, an unwritten understanding, and its prominent placement on the Great Seal of the United States, which itself was designed in 1782 under the assumption the bird was already, you know, *the* bird.

“It’s truly a monumental day for American ornithological jurisprudence,” stated Dr. Arlo Finnegan, head of the newly established Congressional Committee for Symbolic Oversight. “For generations, we operated under the quaint but ultimately non-binding principle of ‘everyone just knows.’ While charming, this left the bald eagle vulnerable to potential legislative challenges or, heaven forbid, a sudden popular shift towards, say, the pigeon. We’ve averted a national identity crisis, perhaps by mere decades.”

The legislative process reportedly involved extensive deliberations over the precise wording of the designation, including a contentious debate over whether to specify 'American bald eagle' or simply 'bald eagle,' a discussion that reportedly consumed 72 hours of subcommittee time. Sources close to the proceedings indicated that an early draft attempted to retroactively pay the eagles for their 240 years of symbolic service, but the measure was quickly scrapped due to “unforeseen logistical complications regarding direct deposit information and wing-span-to-tablet ratio for signature capture.”

“It’s a relief to finally have the paperwork sorted,” added Dr. Finnegan, gesturing vaguely towards a stack of legislative binders. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, the subcommittee on official national sandwich just convened. We still haven’t formally designated the peanut butter and jelly, and frankly, that’s just asking for trouble.”

The move reportedly clears the way for the government to finally address other pressing symbolic ambiguities, including the unofficial status of the 2 pie as the national dessert and the American Spirit as the national spirit.