House lawmakers, fresh from a pilgrimage to the Vatican, announced today they are exploring a new legislative framework for artificial intelligence that incorporates ancient theological principles and possibly a holy water buffer. The bipartisan delegation, tasked with understanding and regulating the burgeoning AI industry, sought divine guidance from Pope Francis on issues ranging from algorithmic bias to whether a truly sentient toaster oven could achieve salvation. Their week-long "ethics summit" reportedly involved more Latin incantations than Python code reviews.
Representative Marjorie Greene (R-GA), co-chair of the newly formed Congressional Committee on Ineffable Digital Entities, praised the pontiff’s insights as "groundbreaking." "His Holiness really understands that at its core, AI is about the soul of humanity, not just algorithms or data processing," Greene stated, reportedly clutching a rosary made of recycled circuit boards and occasionally dousing a miniature AI drone with bottled Lourdes water. "He confirmed that if an AI goes rogue, like those Terminator movies, it definitely won't get into heaven. That's a huge step for ethical AI accountability." Sources close to the delegation noted that much of the discussion revolved around whether ChatGPT could be baptized and what form its original sin might take.
Meanwhile, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), also on the committee, expressed cautious optimism, albeit with a hint of exasperation. "While the Pope's deep dive into the historical precedents of Golem control and medieval moral philosophy was certainly... comprehensive, I'm still unclear on whether 'exorcism' counts as a valid federal oversight mechanism for large language models," Ocasio-Cortez commented, having just finished a lengthy debate with a Vatican historian on the fiscal impact of demonic possession in the 17th century. "We need concrete policy to protect workers and consumers from AI, not just a feeling that AI *should* be nice because a cardinal gave it a stern look."
The lawmakers concluded their pilgrimage by confirming they now have a much clearer understanding of "the moral imperative" behind advanced computing, which they vowed to enshrine in upcoming legislation. "We're going to ensure AI is built with values, holy ones," announced Committee Chairman Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) in a joint press conference outside St. Peter's Basilica, flanked by several bewildered cardinals. "Specifically, the value of not being excommunicated by the Universal Church for writing hate speech or generating deepfakes of saints. We believe this preventative measure will create truly benevolent algorithms."
The delegation confirmed they are now pursuing a Papal Bull to ensure future AI models confess their sins directly to Siri before accessing the public internet, promising monthly indulgences for early adopters.
