SquishCo, the nation's leading manufacturer of 'SquishMallows' and 'GooPals', today announced a nationwide recall of two viral toy lines after discovering what experts are calling "the unavoidable biological imperative of small humans to ingest all novel objects." The recall affects millions of brightly colored, marshmallow-textured toys, cited for posing a "potentially deadly choking hazard" when enthusiastically consumed by children under three.
"We are absolutely blindsided by this development," stated SquishCo CEO Brenda 'Bree' Plushington, wiping a stray glitter remnant from her bespoke cashmere blazer during an emergency press conference held from her Hamptons yacht. "Our R&D team spent countless hours ensuring these toys were irresistibly tactile and perfectly sized for tiny hands. Who could have foreseen that 'perfectly sized for tiny hands' would also mean 'perfectly sized for tiny mouths'?" Plushington added that the company's extensive market research had "prioritized engagement metrics, sensory delight, and maximum social media shareability" over "unforeseen gastronomic applications or the inherent, unyielding oral fixation of the infant demographic."
Dr. Quentin Flimflam, head of the Institute for Obvious Behavioral Analytics, commented from his lab, which appears to be a daycare center, "This isn't rocket science. If it's bright, soft, fits in a fist, and doesn't scream 'don't eat me,' a toddler *will* attempt to integrate it into their digestive system. It's less a design flaw and more a fundamental misunderstanding of the toddler operating system, which is basically a highly efficient, perpetually hungry processing unit for everything within reach." He noted that SquishCo's extensive patent portfolio includes designs for "highly ingestible sensory components" and "small, vibrant pieces that mimic fruit snacks and small, colorful organ meats."
In an internal memo, obtained by Hambry, a product development manager, who wished to remain anonymous to protect their upcoming promotion, questioned, "Is it really *our* fault if parents aren't gluing their kids' mouths shut? We gave them something squishy, not a nutritional supplement." The memo also detailed a rejected design for a "pre-digested squishy toy" that was deemed "too costly and, frankly, a little gross for our target demographic of parents who still believe their children will grow up to be astronauts and not just highly efficient dirt-eaters."
Consumers are advised to immediately cease all "oral exploratory play" with the recalled toys and return them for a full refund or exchange them for a slightly less chewable, but equally popular, 'SlimeBlob' kit, which comes with a separate warning not to eat it and an optional "anti-ingestion" collar for particularly curious youngsters.
In a related press conference, SquishCo's Chief Legal Officer, Bartholomew "Barty" Gulp, clarified, "We just assumed parents would employ basic supervision. Our liability model didn't account for the primal urge to snack on a soft, colorful blob, nor the universal parent mantra of 'five more minutes of quiet, please God just five more minutes.'"
