Here I am, reporting from the sunny shores of Malibu, or is it Miami? Always get those two mixed up, Jack. Anyway, what a story we've got today, just marvelous! It seems that big online store, Albertson's, bless their hearts, they're finally tackling the big problems, aren't they? Yes, they're offering discounts on what they call 'existential dread.'

Now, I don't know about you, Jack, but I've had my share of dread, mostly when I can't find my car keys, or that one time I misplaced my glasses at the barber shop. Oh, that was a whole thing. Had to get my wife, Martha, to come find me, and she said, 'Joe, you had them on your head the whole time!' (whispers) She's a real gem, that Martha.

But these folks at Albertson's, they've found a solution, Jack! They're saying if you buy one of those little building block sets, you know, the Iron Man fella, with the spider legs? I always liked Iron Man, very strong, good values. Reminds me of when I was a boy, building forts out of old blankets and sofa cushions. We didn't have plastic blocks back then, but we had imagination, Jack, a real boundless kind of spirit. And these blocks, they're supposed to help with that new 'Spiderman' show, 'Brand New Day,' or something like that. I tell you, Spiderman, always liked him, ever since he was a kid, swinging around New York City, always helping folks. A real good egg, that one.

It’s just like that time back in '68, when we were all worried about, well, everything under the sun, weren't we? And then someone invented the pet rock! Suddenly, everyone felt a little better, just knowing they had a rock to talk to. (whispers) Simple pleasures, Jack.

And these plastic toys, they're the same, aren't they? Curing all that worry by giving you something to put together. What a grand idea. My hat's off to the folks at Lego, and Albertson's, and especially to the Spider-Man himself, for making the world a little brighter. Makes me think of a good strong cup of coffee, you know, the kind Martha makes, always fresh.

Well, that's all for now, folks. God bless America, and all her brave soldiers!