WOLFSBURG – Citing a challenging global market and the relentless march of quarterly earnings calls, Volkswagen AG today confirmed its groundbreaking new corporate strategy: 'Just Fewer People.' The plan, which involves slashing an additional 15,000 jobs by 2030 on top of the already announced 35,000, aims to streamline operations by making them, demonstrably, smaller.

“For too long, we’ve been bogged down by the archaic notion that a company needs a certain number of human beings to function,” stated CEO Oliver Blume in an internal memo obtained by Hambry. “Our new model proves that efficiency can be achieved by simply… reducing the number of humans. It’s elegant in its simplicity, much like our latest infotainment system before it inevitably crashes.”

Industry analysts praised the move for its directness. “It’s a bold departure from traditional cost-cutting, which usually involves complex algorithms and consultants who charge more than the savings,” noted Dr. Ingrid Schmidt, a corporate restructuring expert at the University of Munich. “Volkswagen has cut out the middleman and gone straight for the jugular of the payroll department.”

Sources within the company suggest the next phase of the strategy involves replacing remaining employees with a single, highly motivated spreadsheet.