MIAMI, FL — As the highly anticipated World Baseball Classic semifinal between the United States and the Dominican Republic approaches, a consortium of international relations experts and sports commentators has unanimously declared the game to be the single most critical event since the invention of fire. The fate of global trade, diplomatic relations, and potentially the very fabric of reality, they suggest, hangs precariously on the final score.

“Forget climate change, economic recessions, or existential threats from artificial intelligence,” stated Dr. Eleanor Vance, a geopolitical strategist from the Institute for Hyperbolic Prognostication. “The true barometer of our collective future will be whether Shohei Ohtani pitches a perfect game or if Juan Soto hits a grand slam in the bottom of the ninth. The implications are simply staggering.”

Sources close to both national teams report unprecedented levels of pressure. One anonymous batboy for Team USA was overheard muttering, “I just hope I don’t drop the Gatorade cooler and accidentally trigger a global currency collapse.” Meanwhile, a Dominican Republic coach, who requested anonymity to discuss the sensitive matter, admitted, “We’re not just playing for pride; we’re playing to prevent a timeline where pineapple belongs on pizza.”

Financial markets across the globe are reportedly in a holding pattern, with analysts unable to predict future trends until the final out. “It’s unprecedented,” remarked market analyst Marcus Thorne. “Our algorithms are just spitting out ‘WBC’ and a series of crying emojis. We literally cannot advise clients until we know who wins.”

Diplomats from both nations have reportedly signed a non-aggression pact contingent on the game’s outcome, with a clause for immediate renegotiation should any controversial umpiring calls occur. The world waits, bated breath held, to see if humanity will survive Sunday’s baseball game.