OTTAWA – In a bold strategic pivot, Canada has officially declared outer space to be 'The New North,' unveiling a defense policy that asserts national sovereignty over vast, currently uninhabited swathes of the cosmos. The move, announced by Defence Minister Bill Blair, aims to safeguard Canada's security and prosperity in an increasingly competitive celestial arena.

Under the new doctrine, any asteroid found to contain traces of poutine ingredients or viable Tim Hortons franchise locations will be immediately subject to Canadian jurisdiction. Critics point out that Canada currently possesses no operational spacecraft capable of reaching the Moon, let alone enforcing territorial claims beyond Earth's orbit.

“Our security, our prosperity, and our sovereignty will increasingly extend beyond our atmosphere,” Blair stated, reportedly while gesturing vaguely upwards. “We envision a future where Canadian peacekeepers patrol the asteroid belt, ensuring fair trade practices for interstellar beaver pelts and preventing cosmic littering.”

Space Force General Buck 'Star Gazer' Johnson, a U.S. military official, expressed cautious optimism. “While we appreciate Canada’s enthusiasm for planting tiny flags on distant celestial bodies, we’re still trying to figure out how to get our own space-based coffee machine to work reliably. The logistics of a lunar Tim Hortons are… daunting.”

Sources close to the Canadian Space Agency confirmed that preliminary designs for a 'Moose-Mobile Lunar Rover' are underway, along with a comprehensive plan to ensure all space-based communications adhere to official bilingualism requirements. The first mission, dubbed 'Operation Maple Leaf Orbit,' aims to launch a single, very polite astronaut to wave at passing satellites.

In related news, experts confirm that the concept of 'sovereignty' is still struggling to make sense on Earth, let alone across billions of light-years.