WASHINGTON — Former President Donald Trump's "Victims of Political Persecution" fund, a $1.8 billion initiative, announced today it will exclusively support individuals whose alleged political persecution directly advanced the former president's personal interests, clarifying that "actual victims of political violence should seek assistance elsewhere." The fund's administrators issued the statement after two Capitol Police officers from the Jan. 6 riots filed a lawsuit, alleging the fund was a "corrupt sham" for excluding them.
"Our mission is clear: to provide robust legal, financial, and emotional support to patriots who, through their unwavering loyalty, found themselves in unfortunate legal entanglements directly benefiting the former president's personal standing or electoral ambitions," stated Marcus Thorne, Chief Patriot Officer for the fund. "This isn't about general grievances; it's about *our* grievances. If you didn't risk federal charges, public opprobrium, or an ill-advised Goya endorsement for a very specific former president, you're simply not our kind of victim." Thorne emphasized that "persecution" under the fund's charter specifically includes "any legal consequence stemming from actions taken to affirm the 2020 election outcome as determined by our spiritual leader, or any action that could be construed as protecting his brand and financial interests, no matter how remote."
"The fund operates on a very simple premise: if you suffered *for* the cause, and that cause was Donald J. Trump, you qualify," said Dr. Brenda Vance, a newly appointed 'Loyalty Metrics Analyst' for the Institute for Aspirational Proximity Studies. "We've developed a proprietary algorithm to quantify 'loyalty-adjacent suffering,' ensuring that only those who demonstrably put the former president's agenda ahead of, say, federal law or basic human decency, receive aid. This excludes, for example, officers who were merely 'doing their jobs' on January 6th, as their loyalty metrics were demonstrably split between civic duty and the man who calls them 'losers.'" Dr. Vance added that "proximity to the former president's personal legal battles, irrespective of actual guilt or innocence, also weighs heavily in eligibility."
An internal memo, obtained by Hambry, further clarified the fund’s stringent eligibility requirements. "To qualify as a 'Victim of Political Persecution,' applicants must demonstrate a verifiable history of ignoring inconvenient facts, a willingness to repeat baseless claims, and an expressed desire to 'take back' something that was never theirs," the memo detailed. "Priority consideration is given to individuals whose arrests yielded compelling content for fundraising appeals and those whose actions resulted in new, actionable legal theories for the former president’s personal defense teams. Benefits include access to top-tier legal representation, 'MAGA Martyr' media training, and complimentary social media management to maximize victimhood narratives."
The fund is reportedly exploring a partnership with major online retailers to offer 'Persecuted Patriot' starter packs, complete with legal counsel vouchers, "Don't Tread On My Man" t-shirts, personalized jail cell decor, and instructions on how to monetize prison time into a lucrative podcast deal or a speaking tour at CPAC.
