NEW YORK, NY — Sony Pictures Classics announced today the hiring of John Z. Shahinian as its new Vice President of Sales, a move insiders say is a desperate, last-ditch effort to understand why people aren't showing up to movie theaters anymore. Shahinian, boasting an impressive four-decade career in exhibition and distribution, is expected to bring his extensive knowledge of 'how things used to work' to the forefront of modern cinema.

“We’ve tried everything,” stated SPC Co-President Michael Barker, in a prepared statement that notably avoided eye contact. “QR codes, premium large formats, even… *gasp*… good movies. But the numbers just aren't adding up. John’s unparalleled experience from a time when people actually left their houses for entertainment is precisely what we need.”

Shahinian, who reportedly still refers to streaming as “the picture box with the internet on it,” expressed optimism. “My strategy is simple: put a movie on a big screen, tell people it’s there, and then… well, they come, right? That’s how it always worked. Maybe we just need more ushers to point them to the seats.”

Industry analysts are cautiously optimistic, noting that if anyone can solve the riddle of why a $20 ticket, $15 popcorn, and the lingering threat of human interaction isn't a compelling offer, it's someone whose career predates the concept of a 'home theater' being anything more than a really nice TV in the living room.

Shahinian’s first directive is reportedly to commission a study on whether people still own pants that aren't sweatpants.