WASHINGTON D.C. – Robert Mueller, the former FBI director and special counsel who led the investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 U.S. election, has officially died at the age of 81, according to multiple reports. The announcement comes after years of public uncertainty regarding his actual state of being, with many citizens having assumed he had either retired to a quiet life of competitive bird-watching or was, in fact, a highly advanced AI designed to generate inconclusive reports.

“We can confirm that Mr. Mueller is, indeed, no longer with us,” stated a spokesperson from the Department of Justice, speaking on condition of anonymity because, as they put it, “frankly, we’re still not entirely sure what he was doing for those three years.” The spokesperson added that a full autopsy would be conducted to determine if he was ever truly alive in the first place, or merely a very convincing animatronic with an unwavering gaze.

Political analysts across the spectrum expressed a mixture of shock and mild relief. “It’s a sad day, I suppose,” commented Dr. Evelyn Thorne, a political science professor at Georgetown University. “Though I think many of us had already processed his ‘passing’ sometime around 2019, when the report came out. It felt very much like a eulogy then.” She noted that the news might finally allow the nation to move on from whatever exactly the Mueller investigation was supposed to accomplish.

In a brief statement, a representative for the Mueller family requested privacy and confirmed that his final wishes included being buried with a copy of his unredacted report, “just in case anyone ever figures out what’s in it.”

His passing marks the definitive end of an era that, for many, never quite felt like it began.