BERLIN – Astronomers at the Max Planck Institute for Extraterrestrial Physics and the European Space Agency have announced a groundbreaking discovery: potentially billions of habitable moons exist, free-floating through the cosmos, offering a tantalizing prospect for future colonization, provided settlers are equipped with an unwavering tolerance for hydrogen.

The new study, published this week, posits that these rogue exomoons, ejected from their parent star systems, could retain internal heat through tidal forces and maintain liquid water if cloaked in a thick, hydrogen-dominated atmosphere. “It’s a perfect greenhouse effect,” explained Dr. Elara Vance, lead author and Senior Fart-Science Correspondent for Hambry. “The hydrogen traps heat beautifully. The only downside is, well, it’s hydrogen. Everywhere. All the time.”

Prospective colonists are reportedly unfazed by the atmospheric composition. “Look, if it means I don’t have to deal with my HOA, I’ll breathe pure methane if I have to,” stated Chad Kensington, a self-proclaimed 'prepper' currently residing in a bunker in suburban Ohio. “Hydrogen is basically just spicy air, right? And think of the energy possibilities! We’ll be able to power our entire civilization with a single match.”

Critics, however, point to the potential for catastrophic explosions and the general unpleasantness of living in a perpetual farty cloud. Dr. Reginald Piffle, a xenobiologist, noted, “While theoretically habitable, the long-term psychological effects of constant hydrogen exposure, coupled with the risk of spontaneous combustion from static electricity, remain largely unstudied. We’re essentially suggesting people move into a giant, cosmic whoopee cushion.”

Despite these concerns, several venture capitalists have already begun funding 'H-Moon' colonization initiatives, promising investors a 'breathtaking' new frontier. Initial recruitment drives are reportedly targeting individuals with a strong sense of adventure and a pre-existing aversion to open flames.