WASHINGTON D.C. — In a stunning display of cross-spectrum animosity towards beige industrial parks, Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT), Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), and former Trump strategist Steve Bannon have reportedly formed an unholy, extremely awkward alliance dedicated to eradicating the nation’s burgeoning data centers. The trio, known for agreeing on precisely nothing else, found common ground in their shared disdain for the energy-guzzling, water-intensive server farms.
“Look, when you’ve got these monolithic boxes sucking up enough electricity to power a small nation, while simultaneously providing precisely zero actual value to the working class beyond tracking what cat videos Marjorie Taylor Greene watches, it’s an issue,” Sen. Sanders reportedly muttered, carefully avoiding eye contact with Bannon across a dimly lit conference table. Rep. Ocasio-Cortez echoed the sentiment, albeit with significantly more outrage: “These data centers are an affront to climate justice, a capitalist wasteland of digital waste, and frankly, they’re just ugly. I mean, truly hideous structures, devoid of any aesthetic merit, much like… well, we don't need to name names.”
Steve Bannon, always eager for a common enemy, enthusiastically joined the fray. "These globalist tech oligarchs are building their digital fortresses, consuming our precious land and resources, while the real Americans suffer! It's a clear and present danger to our national sovereignty and… uh… our traditional way of life, whatever that means this week," Bannon bellowed, reportedly bringing his own whiteboard and a disturbing amount of Sharpies to the meeting. Eyewitnesses described the initial meeting as a tense affair, featuring long silences broken only by the hum of an overhead vent and the occasional, deeply uncomfortable throat-clearing.
An anonymous source close to the negotiations, who asked to be identified only as "a person who really needs a raise," described the alliance as "less a meeting of minds and more a desperate attempt to find anything, *anything at all*, they could unite against without actually having to agree on anything fundamental. Data centers are the political equivalent of finding a really old, crusty sock behind the couch that everyone can collectively agree is gross." The group’s first joint legislative proposal, rumored to be titled "The Get Off My Lawn (And Take Your Stupid Servers With You) Act," aims to impose a 10,000% luxury tax on all new data center construction and mandate that existing facilities be repurposed into "community-oriented artisanal kombucha breweries."
The unity, however, is expected to last only as long as it takes for one of them to mention healthcare reform, January 6th, or the structural inequities of capitalism, at which point sources predict an immediate, fiery disintegration of the pact, likely resulting in at least two separate Twitter meltdowns.
