BASEL, SWITZERLAND — Pharmaceutical behemoth Novartis announced today it is significantly hiking its sales and profit guidance for the year, with CEO Dr. Alistair Finch admitting the company is now operating at a level of financial success previously thought impossible outside of a government-sanctioned mint.

“Frankly, it’s getting a little embarrassing,” Dr. Finch told investors during an earnings call, adjusting his solid gold spectacles. “We thought we were doing well, but then we looked at the spreadsheets and realized we’re basically just printing money now. It turns out people really, *really* don’t like being sick, and they’re willing to pay for that discomfort to go away. Who knew?”

The revised outlook was attributed to a combination of “robust demand” for existing therapies and “the successful implementation of several innovative pricing models.” Industry analyst Brenda Chen of ‘Global Pharma Watch’ commented, “Novartis has truly mastered the art of charging more for the same thing. It’s less about R&D these days and more about R&P – Revenue and Profit.”

When pressed on how such consistent growth was achieved amidst global economic fluctuations, Dr. Finch simply shrugged. “Look, as long as people keep getting older, sicker, and more prone to existential dread, our pipeline is essentially self-filling. It’s a beautiful business model, really.” He then reportedly excused himself to go count his money in a vault that requires a retinal scan and a blood oath to access.