STAMFORD, CT – World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) today released the results of a multi-year, multi-million-dollar internal study, definitively concluding that the outcomes of its matches are, and have always been, entirely predetermined. The announcement comes after decades of public speculation and countless fan theories, finally putting to rest the question of whether professional wrestling is a legitimate athletic competition.
“We understand this may come as a shock to some of our more… dedicated viewers,” stated Dr. Reginald ‘Reggie’ Powers, lead researcher and head of WWE’s newly formed Department of Obvious Conclusions. “But our data, collected through extensive observation of scripts, rehearsals, and the occasional spilled coffee on a storyline memo, overwhelmingly supports the hypothesis that the winner is decided before the bell even rings.”
The study’s findings were reportedly accelerated by recent events, including Intercontinental Champion Penta’s successful title defense against El Grande Americano on Monday Night Raw. “While a thrilling spectacle, our analysis confirmed that the sequence of events leading to Penta’s victory was, shall we say, ‘orchestrated’ with remarkable precision,” Dr. Powers added, adjusting his spectacles.
A WWE spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous, commented, “This transparency is crucial for our brand. We believe our fans appreciate knowing that the drama, the athleticism, and the occasional surprise chair shot are all part of a meticulously crafted narrative, not just random acts of violence.”
Critics, however, are questioning the timing and necessity of such a costly study, with one anonymous fan tweeting, “Did they really need a study to figure out what my grandma knew in the 80s?” The WWE has yet to announce if they will next investigate whether the Undertaker is actually an undead wizard.
