ALBANY, NY — A coalition of transparency advocates saw their efforts to push for new government openness laws in New York State summarily dismissed this week, as lawmakers issued a rare bipartisan statement affirming their commitment to the status quo of strategic information management.

"Look, we get it. People want to know things," stated State Senator Brenda Kilpatrick (D-Oswego), adjusting her perfectly opaque sunglasses. "But if we told them *everything*, where would the mystique go? Where would the critical element of surprise be? Good governance, like a good magic trick, relies on a certain amount of misdirection."

Assemblyman Todd Harrison (R-Syracuse) echoed the sentiment, adding, "Our constituents elected us to make tough decisions, often in rooms they can't see into, using data they can't access, for reasons they won't understand until much later, if ever. That's not a bug; it's a feature. It's called 'leadership.'"

The proposed legislation, which sought to expand public access to government records and deliberations, was quickly tabled indefinitely. A spokesperson for the legislative body, who declined to be named or photographed, explained, "The public has a right to *believe* their government is transparent. Actually *being* transparent would just complicate things and frankly, make our jobs much harder. We're busy enough as it is, crafting policy in the shadows."

Advocates expressed disappointment but vowed to continue their fight, reportedly unaware that their calls for openness were simply adding to the legislative body’s already extensive, and highly confidential, 'Things We Will Never Do' list.