RALEIGH, NC — Judge Augustus 'Gus' Thorne, recently elevated to North Carolina’s Business Court, announced today that his military background ensures a completely apolitical approach to jurisprudence, promising to rule on complex corporate disputes with the unyielding logic of a drill sergeant inspecting a barracks.
“My time in uniform taught me one thing: there’s a right way, a wrong way, and the Army way,” Judge Thorne stated in a press conference held inexplicably on a freshly mowed lawn, flanked by two impeccably polished brass spittoons. “And the Army way, for the record, involves no political bias whatsoever, just a deep appreciation for chain of command and properly folded laundry. These business cases? They’re just like a poorly organized supply room. Someone’s gotta get in there and make it make sense, without any of that civilian 'feelings' nonsense.”
Legal scholars were quick to praise the judge’s unique perspective. “It’s a refreshing change,” commented Dr. Evelyn Reed, a professor of judicial ethics at the University of Southern Carolina-Coastal. “Instead of worrying about campaign donations or legislative agendas, Judge Thorne will simply be asking himself, ‘Would General Patton approve of this merger?’ or ‘Is this hostile takeover conducted with sufficient discipline and adherence to protocol?’ It’s a paradigm shift.”
When asked how his military experience would specifically apply to, for example, a dispute over intellectual property rights, Judge Thorne reportedly saluted a nearby potted plant and declared, “Sir, I will ascertain the primary objective, neutralize any non-compliant elements, and secure the perimeter of justice, sir!” He then added, “And if anyone tries to pull any political stunts in my courtroom, they’ll be doing push-ups until they learn some respect for the process.”
The judge concluded his remarks by reminding attendees that all future filings must be submitted in triplicate, stapled at the top left corner, and presented with a crisp, audible thud on the clerk’s desk, or they would be considered 'unfit for duty.'
