CONCORD, NH — In a bold move to preserve its unique cultural identity, New Hampshire’s state legislature has enacted a new law mandating that all residents must own and be regularly accompanied by a wild animal. The bill, passed in the dead of night, aims to cultivate a rugged, self-sufficient populace and subtly discourage the influx of tourists seeking quaint, animal-free experiences.
“For too long, New Hampshire has been seen as merely a picturesque backdrop for leaf peepers and ski bunnies,” stated State Senator Mildred ‘Milly’ Finch (R-Wolfeboro), proudly stroking a docile, if slightly confused, bobcat during a press conference. “This legislation ensures that every resident embodies the true spirit of the Granite State: untamed, unpredictable, and potentially carrying rabies. It’s about authenticity.”
Under the new law, citizens have six months to acquire a suitable wild companion from a pre-approved list that includes, but is not limited to, black bears, moose, coyotes, and, of course, foxes. Exemptions will be made for those who can prove they are already sufficiently ‘wild’ on their own, a criteria still being debated by a specially appointed committee of taxidermists and former trappers. Training seminars on leash-training a timber wolf and house-breaking a badger are reportedly being developed by the state’s Department of Fish and Game.
“We anticipate a slight uptick in emergency room visits for minor maulings and the occasional territorial dispute over a bird feeder,” admitted Dr. Alistair Finch, a state veterinarian and distant cousin of Senator Finch, while bandaging a reporter’s hand. “But think of the character development. And the property value increase once people realize their neighbors are literally living with bears.”
Critics argue the law is an unconstitutional overreach and a public safety nightmare, but proponents insist it’s a necessary step to maintain New Hampshire’s rugged brand. The state is reportedly considering a follow-up bill requiring all residents to learn to whittle their own dental floss.
