WASHINGTON D.C. — In an unprecedented joint statement, a consortium of cats, dogs, and various pocket pets has appealed to their human counterparts to reinstate the traditional “moving to a farm” excuse for pet abandonment. The animals claim the current trend of vague, guilt-ridden surrenders is causing undue emotional distress and existential confusion.

“Frankly, the constant stream of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speeches is exhausting,” stated Bartholomew 'Barty' Whiskerton, a 7-year-old tabby representing the Feline Alliance for Truth in Rehoming. “Just tell us we’re going to a place with wide open spaces, endless fields, and maybe a nice old lady who bakes cookies. We’re not idiots, but we appreciate the effort to spare our feelings.”

The plea comes as animal shelters nationwide report an influx of surrendered pets, often accompanied by convoluted explanations from owners struggling to articulate their reasons. Dr. Eleanor Vance, a leading pet psychologist (who, it should be noted, is paid entirely in kibble), commented on the psychological toll.

“These animals are highly attuned to human emotion,” Vance explained. “When an owner tearfully explains they ‘just can’t provide the best life’ or ‘their lifestyle has changed,’ the pet often internalizes this as a personal failing. A simple, well-rehearsed lie about a farm, however, provides a comforting narrative closure.”

Canine representative, a golden retriever named Barkley, added, “We’ve seen the statistics. We know the ‘farm’ is often a euphemism for a shelter, or worse. But at least it offers a moment of hope, a final, beautiful dream before the reality sets in. It’s about dignity, people.”

Shelter workers are reportedly considering implementing mandatory “farm story” workshops for surrendering owners, hoping to improve the mental well-being of the animals and streamline the intake process. The pets, meanwhile, are reportedly drafting a follow-up request for more convincing acting from their former humans.