WASHINGTON D.C. — A consortium of the nation’s leading constitutional lawyers, historians, and particularly patient librarians announced today they have definitively located a physical copy of the United States Constitution. The discovery, which follows years of public debate over the document's very existence and contents, is expected to dramatically shift discussions surrounding fundamental legal principles, including birthright citizenship.

“For too long, we’ve operated under the assumption that the Constitution was more of a vibe, or perhaps a collective fever dream,” stated Dr. Eleanor Vance, lead researcher for the 'Is It Real?' Initiative at the National Archives. “But our team, utilizing advanced magnifying glasses and several very large flashlights, has confirmed it’s actually a tangible text. And it’s… quite explicit on some points.”

The revelation comes after numerous public figures expressed confusion regarding established legal precedents, often suggesting that core tenets, such as the 14th Amendment’s citizenship clause, were open to reinterpretation based on current political whims. “It turns out, the framers actually wrote things down,” added Professor Miles Corbin, a constitutional law expert who admitted he had previously relied on “gut feelings” and “whatever Twitter was saying that morning.”

Sources close to the investigation suggest that future research will focus on whether other historically significant documents, such as the Bill of Rights and the instructions for assembling IKEA furniture, also exist in a verifiable, written format. The findings are anticipated to be particularly inconvenient for those who found the previous ambiguity quite useful.

Meanwhile, several prominent politicians have already begun questioning the authenticity of the newly discovered document, citing its suspiciously clear language.