LONDON – In a monumental stride for environmental science, researchers from the Universities of Portsmouth and Manchester have announced the discovery of a 'plastic-eating' fusion enzyme capable of breaking down polyethylene terephthalate (PET) plastics. Experts are hailing the breakthrough as a potential game-changer, provided humanity can collectively agree to wait several millennia for the results.

The enzyme, detailed in the journal *Bioresource Technology*, reportedly excels at degrading PET at concentrations akin to industrial levels. Dr. Alistair Finch, lead author and a man clearly unburdened by the concept of immediate gratification, explained the enzyme's unique properties. “What we’ve engineered here is truly remarkable. It’s incredibly efficient, albeit on a timeline that makes a sequoia tree look like a Snapchat story. We’re talking about a process that will eventually, and we mean *eventually*, turn your old yoga pants into their constituent monomers.”

Critics, primarily those with a lifespan shorter than a small mountain range, questioned the practicality of a solution that operates at such a leisurely pace. “It’s like discovering a cure for baldness that only works after you’ve already been dead for 500 years,” quipped environmental activist Brenda Holloway, who then checked her watch. “While I applaud the scientific rigor, I was hoping for something that might, you know, impact *my* lifetime, or perhaps my great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren’s lifetime.”

Despite the temporal challenges, the research team remains optimistic. “Think of it as a very, very long-term investment,” added Dr. Finch, adjusting his spectacles. “Future civilizations, perhaps even entirely new species, will look back at our plastic-choked era and marvel at the slow, deliberate work of our enzymes. It’s a legacy project.”

The enzyme is expected to begin making a noticeable dent in global plastic waste sometime around the year 40,000 AD, just in time for humanity’s next major existential crisis.