TEL AVIV – In a move hailed by strategists as both innovative and deeply convenient, world leaders have reportedly identified a new class of oil reserves that are definitively 'not of the people.' The distinction, which allows for the targeting of specific energy assets without the messy ethical implications of impacting civilian resources, was recently articulated by Israeli President Isaac Herzog, who clarified that certain Iranian oil sites were 'kept by the military' and thus, presumably, fair game.

“It’s a simple matter of classification,” explained Dr. Evelyn Finch, a newly appointed 'Oil Ethicist' at the Geneva Institute for Strategic Resource Allocation. “Just as there’s civilian airspace and military airspace, we now understand there’s civilian crude and… well, let’s call it ‘tactical petroleum.’ One is for fueling the family car, the other for fueling, you know, *things*.” Finch declined to elaborate on the precise methodology for differentiating between the two, citing national security.

Critics, however, remain skeptical. “So, when my gas bill goes up, is that because the military-grade oil got hit, or the people’s oil?” questioned Tehran resident, Parviz Ahmadi. “And who decides which is which? Is there a special label on the barrel?”

Meanwhile, defense contractors are reportedly scrambling to develop new 'precision-ethical' munitions capable of distinguishing between civilian and non-civilian hydrocarbons, promising a future where only the truly deserving barrels of oil suffer the consequences.