WASHINGTON D.C. — In a groundbreaking admission that has sent shockwaves through the legal community, prominent attorneys across the country have confirmed that, despite popular belief, no court ruling, settlement, or plea deal actually absolves anyone of anything. The revelation comes after a former assistant’s lawyer argued that a coach's plea deal “doesn't absolve him,” inadvertently exposing a long-held secret of the profession.

“We’ve been letting people think this for centuries, bless their hearts,” stated veteran litigator Brenda Carmichael, adjusting her perfectly tailored suit. “But let’s be real. A plea deal is just a transaction. You admit to *some* wrongdoing, we agree not to pursue *all* wrongdoing, and everyone goes home slightly less inconvenienced. Absolution? That’s for confessionals and therapy, not courtrooms.”

Legal expert Dr. Arthur Penhaligon, from the Institute for Perpetual Litigation, elaborated on the distinction. “The justice system’s primary function is to process cases, not purify souls. We can assign penalties, mandate restitution, or even declare someone ‘not guilty,’ but the internal sense of moral clarity or societal forgiveness? That’s entirely extra-judicial. Frankly, it’s bad for billable hours.”

Sources close to the Supreme Court, speaking anonymously, suggested that the entire premise of legal absolution might have been an elaborate misunderstanding stemming from a particularly dramatic 17th-century courtroom drama. “Someone probably just misheard ‘acquitted’ as ‘absolved’ and it stuck,” the source quipped, before adding, “We’ve been too busy arguing about original intent to correct it.”

Meanwhile, millions of individuals who thought their legal troubles were definitively behind them are now reportedly experiencing a fresh wave of existential dread, realizing they might still be on the hook for… everything.