MINNEAPOLIS, MN – A groundbreaking new analysis from the Institute for Human Connection has officially confirmed that a significant majority of first dates culminate in some form of regrettable outcome. The study, prompted by recent high-profile events involving a popular online personality known for his extensive dating endeavors, found that approximately 97% of initial romantic encounters lead to either awkward silence, emotional distress, or, in extreme cases, legal complications.

“For years, we’ve operated under the assumption that first dates were a net positive for society, or at least neutral,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, lead researcher and head of the institute’s Department of Obvious Observations. “However, our data, meticulously gathered from millions of real-world interactions and countless hours of reality television, paints a starker picture. It turns out, putting two strangers together with the express purpose of evaluating their genetic fitness often results in poor judgment calls, particularly after a few adult beverages.”

The report highlighted several key risk factors, including oversharing, under-listening, and the pervasive belief that a second date is somehow a moral imperative. “The pressure to perform, to impress, to be ‘on’ for several hours can lead individuals to make choices they wouldn’t normally,” explained relationship guru Chad Broderick, author of ‘Swipe Right for Regret.’ “It’s a perfect storm of anxiety, alcohol, and the existential dread of dying alone.”

Further research is planned to determine if adding a third person to the date exacerbates or mitigates these findings, though early indications suggest it mostly just makes things weirder. Researchers are also exploring the revolutionary concept of staying home.