MINNEAPOLIS, MN – A groundbreaking, albeit entirely obvious, new analysis by the Institute for Human Connection Studies (IHCS) has definitively linked the act of going on a first date with a dramatically increased risk of driving while intoxicated. The findings come after a prominent online personality, known for chronicling his romantic encounters across the country, was recently apprehended for a DWI following what sources describe as a “standard first date protocol.”

“Our data is unequivocal,” stated Dr. Brenda Carmichael, lead researcher at IHCS. “The moment two individuals agree to meet in a public, often alcohol-serving, establishment with the express purpose of evaluating each other’s suitability for future interactions, the probability of one or both ending up in a patrol car skyrockets. It’s almost as if the societal pressure to appear charming and relaxed often leads to overconsumption, which then leads to poor judgment regarding vehicle operation.”

The study, which retrospectively analyzed thousands of police reports alongside dating app usage data, found a peak correlation between 8 PM and 2 AM on Friday and Saturday nights, coinciding perfectly with prime first-date hours. “It’s a perfect storm,” added Detective Ronald ‘Ron’ Swanson of the Minneapolis Traffic Enforcement Unit. “You’ve got the nerves, the liquid courage, the desperate hope of not dying alone, and then suddenly, you’re trying to remember if you’re supposed to turn left or right onto Main Street while also wondering if you accidentally called your date ‘Mom.’”

Industry insiders suggest that the dating app economy, which thrives on the sheer volume of initial meetings, may inadvertently be contributing to the problem. “We’re not saying don’t date,” clarified Dr. Carmichael. “We’re just saying, maybe carpool, or, you know, just stay home and watch Netflix. It’s statistically safer.”

The IHCS is now advocating for dating apps to include a mandatory breathalyzer integration before users can request a ride-share home.