WASHINGTON D.C. — In a move designed to foster 'genuine artistic struggle,' the newly formed Department of Cultural Endurance (DCE) has announced a groundbreaking policy requiring all aspiring artists to complete a minimum of 60 years working a night shift at a U.S. Post Office before being eligible for mainstream recognition. The mandate, effective immediately, is reportedly inspired by the late sculptor Thaddeus Mosley, who achieved international acclaim in his 90s after decades of carving wood while holding down a postal job.
“We’ve seen a disturbing trend of artists finding success in their 20s or 30s, which frankly undermines the entire narrative of the tortured genius,” stated DCE Undersecretary for Delayed Gratification, Brenda Pinter, in a press conference held at a dimly lit sorting facility. “Mr. Mosley showed us the true path: relentless dedication, minimal sleep, and absolutely no early financial reward. We’re just codifying what clearly works.”
The new regulations stipulate that artists must provide proof of employment, including pay stubs and witness accounts of them “looking perpetually tired but inexplicably fulfilled,” before their work can be considered for major exhibitions or acquisition by prominent galleries. Critics argue the policy might discourage young talent, but Pinter dismissed these concerns. “If they’re truly passionate, they’ll embrace the grind. Besides, think of all the free stamps they’ll get.”
One anonymous 23-year-old performance artist, currently training for her first night shift, commented, “I guess I always thought my art would be about challenging societal norms, not about sorting bulk mail for half a century. But hey, anything for the craft, right? Maybe I’ll make a sculpture out of undeliverable packages.”
The DCE is also reportedly exploring similar mandates for writers (mandatory 70 years as a proofreader for instruction manuals) and musicians (required 80 years playing elevator music in regional airports) to ensure all creative fields maintain their 'hard-earned' mystique.
