NEW YORK — Marvel Comics today announced a mandatory "Brand New Day Re-Education Protocol" for readers hoping to engage with the upcoming *Spider-Man: Brand New Day* storyline. The comprehensive initiative requires fans to complete seven key pre-requisites, including a "Comprehensive Continuity Unlearning Module" and a "Emotional Detachment Seminar," before picking up the first issue.
"We recognize that our commitment to decades of intricate, occasionally contradictory, storytelling has created certain... engagement friction," stated Marvel Editor-in-Chief C.B. Cebulski, holding up a 500-page binder labeled "Essential Pre-Reading." "This isn't about clearing the deck; it's about empowering our dedicated fanbase with the tools to actively *forget* the specific parts that no longer align with our current publishing initiatives. It’s about reader accountability, ensuring a perfectly curated narrative experience."
The mandatory protocol includes a "One More Day" trauma therapy session, an "Uncle Ben's Death: Which One?" diagnostic quiz, and a "Gwen Stacy's Return-But-Not-Really Refresher Course." Aspiring readers must also pass a "Villain Motivations: Year-to-Year Recalibration Exam" and an "Is This Clone *That* Clone? A Practical Guide." A final assessment, reportedly consisting of identifying which of 37 different costumed Spider-Men is the "one true Peter Parker," must be passed with 90% accuracy to unlock digital access.
"I just want to read a comic where Peter Parker isn't selling his marriage to the devil or being cloned for the tenth time," lamented longtime reader Brenda Ramirez, 47, from her study nook cluttered with decades of back issues and a dog-eared copy of "Marvel Continuity for Dummies." "Now I need a certification to prove I’ve purged the last 'brand new' iteration from my memory? My brain hurts more than a symbiote trying to understand capitalism."
A Marvel spokesperson, who asked to remain anonymous "due to previous continuity errors," confirmed the company is exploring partnerships with major universities to offer accredited "Spidey Studies" degrees. "This is simply an investment in narrative integrity," the spokesperson added, "and a safeguard against accidental nostalgia. We believe the future of storytelling is pre-approved amnesia."
Marvel emphasized that failure to complete the "Re-Education Protocol" might result in a "suboptimal reading experience," which they clarified as "accidentally understanding something from last week's issue."
