WASHINGTON D.C. — Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) today unveiled its revolutionary 'Forever Detention' initiative, a program designed to streamline the process of holding individuals indefinitely without bond. The agency credits a recent re-examination of a 1996 immigration law, which, according to officials, unequivocally states that certain non-citizens 'shall be detained' — a phrase now interpreted to mean 'until further notice, possibly forever.'

“It’s truly remarkable what you can find when you actually bother to dust off the old texts,” stated ICE Legal Interpretations Director, Brenda 'The Barracuda' Jenkins, during a press conference held in a repurposed broom closet. “For years, we’ve been bogged down by quaint notions like 'due process' and 'habeas corpus.' Turns out, the law was always on our side, just quietly waiting for someone with enough gumption to read between the lines, and then ignore the lines entirely.”

The discovery reportedly came after a junior legal intern, tasked with finding a misplaced stapler, stumbled upon a forgotten copy of the 1996 statute behind a stack of outdated phone books. “The intern, bless their heart, pointed out that ‘shall be detained’ could mean… well, *forever*,” explained Jenkins, adjusting her power tie. “It was a real ‘eureka!’ moment for the entire department. We’ve been leaving so much potential on the table.”

Critics, primarily civil rights attorneys who have apparently not yet grasped the nuances of this groundbreaking reinterpretation, have expressed concerns. However, ICE maintains that the program is merely an efficient application of existing law. “It’s not indefinite detention,” clarified Jenkins, “it’s just… detention without a defined end.”

Sources close to the agency suggest that future legal re-interpretations may include finding a forgotten clause allowing federal agents to commandeer any vehicle with less than half a tank of gas.