WASHINGTON D.C. — Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the government-sponsored enterprises (GSEs) tasked with ensuring liquidity in the housing market, have reportedly adopted a radical new strategy to combat financial volatility: simply buying up every mortgage-backed security in sight. The move, described by insiders as the “Collect All The Things” initiative, aims to stabilize markets by removing all assets from the open market and placing them directly into the GSEs’ burgeoning portfolios.

“We’ve tried everything else—quantitative easing, quantitative tightening, quantitative confusing,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, head of the newly formed Department of Financial Hoarding at Fannie Mae. “At some point, you just have to admit that the best way to control the market is to own the market. All of it.” Sources close to the matter indicate that the GSEs are currently placing “sizable orders” for virtually any bond with a mortgage attached, regardless of its underlying health or projected returns.

Freddie Mac spokesperson, Bartholomew 'Barty' Finch, elaborated on the long-term vision. “Think of it as a financial Pokémon Go, but instead of digital monsters, we’re catching distressed assets,” Finch explained, gesturing enthusiastically. “Our goal is to eventually have a complete set. Every single one. Then, and only then, can we truly say the market is ‘stable’—because there won’t be one left to fluctuate.”

Economists are reportedly divided on the implications. Some praise the boldness of the strategy, suggesting it offers a definitive end to market uncertainty. Others are concerned about the eventual storage costs for trillions of dollars in paper assets. The GSEs, however, remain undeterred, reportedly eyeing a future where they might also acquire all available commercial real estate, then perhaps all the world's gold, and eventually, every single fidget spinner.